It’s never just the rice…

So the other day we had an argument about who was going to watch the rice. It turned into a pretty big disagreement, which I think surprised us both, but of course, it wasn’t about the rice.

It was about listening to one another and understanding unspoken intentions and overlooking gifts.

After we talked through it and I understood what I’d assumed and misunderstood I realized I’d missed an opportunity to accept and appreciate a kindness and it really stuck with me.

How often do we either spurn or ignore gifts from the people in our life because we don’t recognize the packaging?

For example – the complaint you hear from guys about either getting snapped at for holding doors or feeling like they can’t hold a door because it will be misconstrued. Granted there is less debate about this than in the past but a quick Google search still found lots of articles on this, and they were not all dated 2003, so it’s still a bit of a thing.

Or how about “call me (text me) when you get home” – that one gets labelled as controlling, or hovering, but its often just “I love you” – and the person saying it is most likely not intentionally thinking “I’ll say call me instead of I love you”.

These are pretty simple examples but I’m sure if you think of it there are some big ones in your life that you overlook. I think what caught me off guard about the rice is it wasn’t an out of the ordinary thing – we ask each other to help with tasks all the time – what was different was he specifically said “I don’t want to do this, I just did all this other stuff” and I was focused on my own agenda at that moment and brushed it off because it was a 2 minute thing in my mind. I didn’t listen, I assumed, I didn’t ask questions (out loud or even in my own mind).

This is focused on my home life, me and my roommate (husband 😆), because in this post-COVID work-from-home world he still has the lucky distinction of being my primary “observation subject” for my musings but I know from reflection that it’s not purely a romantic partner pitfall.

As we rush about in our day to day lives we (at least I) can get very caught up in our own inner-dialogue and thought processes. We can make a lot of decisions about other people meant, are thinking, are intending and we (as least I 🙃 ) often don’t stop and ask “why” “tell me more” “how can I help” because it’s faster to observe, interpret and move on.

I hope that this is one of those lessons that sticks, that I am successful in staying more mindful of intent, and asking questions, because I am really looking forward to connecting more deeply with the people in my life by making fewer assumptions. I have a walk planned with a friend this weekend, I will practice it then! Challenge yourself, start recognizing the gifts in the stone a small child gives you, or the coffee pot being turned on/refilled, or the empty dishwasher…🌈❤️

Happy Spouse, Happy House…

It struck me the other day that I’ve been having a tough time over the past year or so. I’m navigating a lot of change:

• Sold our house in CA (I loved that house, and the security it provided)
• Accepted the need to get rid of many belongings with deep sentimental value
• Moved 3 times, one move was to a new country and away from my “community”
• Husband retired and I’m working from home …we’re together a lot
• A lot of travel and home renovations
• And chronologically I must be experiencing some hormonal…flux…(I’m 51) (OK not chronologically alone… if we look at my behavior I’ve been doing some weird stuff…)

I’ve been displaying some undesirable behaviors …Lots of anger, irritability as well as some sleep and weight issues… and through it all I’ve kind of bounced between 2 themes of thought re: solutions:

1. More exercise/meditation will keep me balanced

2. If my husband would do x or stop doing y …things would be easier.

Number 1 is conscious and in the forefront of my mind.

Number 2 was not. It was hidden in snippy remarks and eye rolls about annoyances such as dishes left in the sink or the TV being too loud or socializing.

This of course started leading to arguments and more often than not I would find myself saying things like “well if you would just say blah blah blah or if you would not do blah blah blah we wouldn’t be having this argument.”

After one of those corrective coaching sessions led to my husband saying something to the effect of “I’m tired of always being wrong” a little bell went off in my head and all the sudden I thought “Oh! Wait a minute – how come the rules of our house are dictated by the way I think things should be?”

Why do I care if there are dishes in the sink for a couple of hours? And I’m not talking about a stack of dishes, I’m talking about a coffee cup and a couple of plates. How come paper towels should only be used in certain circumstances and certain quantities? If we don’t have to get up in the morning why can’t we have friends over in the middle of the week? If we do have friends over in the middle of the week and I need to get up earlier than our friends do – why can’t I go to bed?

When I started thinking about it I realized a whole lot of this was driven by a need for stability and security which was being reflected as control.

So much of the above stuff comes also from the same kind of mindset that says “happy wife, happy life” which often is accompanied by a conversation that describes what a wife will or will not “let her husband do”.

I realized I was following rules and scripts that are part of our main stream society; I wasn’t treating myself and my husband is individuals – I was following the pattern that we’ve all been observing since we were little kids.

I don’t want a life that is centered around my husband having to make me happy. I want a life where we both feel loved and appreciated and like we have the space to be who we are.

I believe that if we’re going to have quippy sayings out there to reflect general marriage advice it should be “happy spouse, happy house”! 💞

Update – I drafted this a few months ago and had held off on posting it. I have to say, me taking more responsibility for my point of view is making a difference. Still having “differences of opinion” but fewer and I’m more conscious of when we hit one of my arbitrary rules. Turns out, I have a lot of them. A wonderful side effect is I’m feeling more content and more in control of myself – that’s a very nice feeling 🌻

When the leopard DOES change it’s spots…pay attention…

We tend to form points of view about people and they stick, even when that person’s behavior changes. Good or bad, we’ve categorized them and they’re stuck with it. There are lots of discussions out there about recognizing and responding to negative change but not as much about positive.

Recently I noticed that I was completely ignoring some pretty clear changes my husband had made in response to my grumbling about him not helping and being generally irritable over the past few months. When he shifted, I was still responding in my old patterns and not seeing the effort he was putting into addressing my frustration…which fairly enough was frustrating for him! 🤓 🤣  Recognizing this caused me to start thinking about where else I see this – and actually it’s pretty common (at least in my un-scientific sample group).

As an example I have a friend who has a son who has always been a challenge for her – he’s really bright and not a go with the flow kinda guy – she is very fluid 😁 and so his intensity is a mystery. He got into real trouble in his mid 20s and spent some time in jail. For the past few years he’s been sober, working and going to school and completely responsible. When she talks about his recent accomplishments it’s still with a tone of surprise and she makes comments about doubting that it will stick. Her other son who was easier as a kid is also now in jail – fighting vs drugs – and the perspective seems to be that he’s just got bad luck.

This isn’t just a family thing. Coworkers and friends aren’t immune. If someone messed up a big project and got labeled a flake it’s almost impossible to shake that perception. Or someone who was always willing to take on more than her share starts setting reasonable boundaries and we get resentful of being told no.

As we start a new year, let’s do what we can to see people as they are, not as we have categorized them. This will make our lives less frustrating, and what a gift to the folks who are deliberately trying to shed old behaviors.

One word of caution, if the shift was in a different direction, that’s important to see and pay attention to as well. The people we’ve always given a pass may not always earn it; this isn’t about selective blindness or overly generous boundaries, it’s truly about unvarnished, honest interaction – good or bad!

Let’s make 2022 the best we can. There will continue to be things out of our control but let’s influence what we can. I saw a cartoon today…which of course I can’t find… that showed one person worrying about what 2022 will bring and the other says “I think it will bring flowers”…”why, how do you know?” the worrier asks “Because I’m planting flowers”.

Ah! Of course!! So – plant some flowers, accept and respond to change and trust  yourself.

Happy New Year! ❤ 🌻🌈

Dwell on the good stuff…

 I am absolutely a dweller. It’s so easy at – least for me and I know from conversations with some of the people in my life – for a lot of us, to get caught up in remembering past mistakes and old hurts.

If we’re so good at remembering things then why don’t we challenge ourselves to dwell on prior triumphs and thoughtful gestures.

I was looking at a digital photo frame this evening that some dear friends gave me when I moved from the city where we all lived.

At first I found myself thinking a little bit critically about myself and some of the pictures because they’re of horseback riding and my form wasn’t perfect.

But then I found myself remembering the first horse show I went to and the love and support that my husband showed, taking special effort to share the memory of my recently passed father.

And that got me thinking about all the other really neat things he’s done for me and then that got me thinking about all the amazing people I’m lucky enough to know period.

Then of course my thoughts started going all over the place and I wondered how come it’s easier to bring those positive thoughts to mind than it used to be and how I can build that habit?

I guess it ties into the whole concept of remembering the things that we can be grateful for and there’s lots of people out there that recommend things like “every morning think of three things you’re grateful for” or “journal every night and think of things you’re grateful for”.

I’m not very good at establishing new daily habits, but I think I could train myself when replace negative dwelling by digging a little deeper and find a positive memory to replace whatever hurt or embarrassment is currently on my mind.

So while I’ll probably never stop being a dweller, I believe that we can learn to dwell on the good stuff! 💞🌻🌈

You don’t have to just keep juggling…

For me it’s a delicate balance between having enough things on the go that I am motivated and energetic and having so many things on the go that I am completely overwhelmed.

When it all collides I often get so busy trying to catch the falling pieces that I forget sometimes the best thing is to let them drop and go do some thing that refocuses me and re-centers me.

Writing this I’m reminded of a concept I came across that most of the balls we try to juggle in life are rubber and they will bounce but others are glass and it’s the glass balls we have to be the most careful with.

This led me to go do a little bit of Googling because I couldn’t remember which balls were glass and which were rubber.

From what I can find the original concept came from Brian Dyson (former CEO of Coca-Cola) during his 1991 Georgia Tech Institute commencement speech.

“In his speech, he asks the graduates to “imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some 5 balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends, and spirit—and you’re keeping all of these in the air.” According to Dyson, each of these balls is made of glass—except for work, which is the sole rubber ball.” (This excerpt came from another blog).

I’d like to actually build on this concept a little bit because while I agree with the point of view that work is pretty much always rubber (we just forget that from time to time for all sorts of reasons) I’m not convinced the other four are as fragile as glass because that implies that if you drop one it is going to be irreparably damaged or broken – that’s not my experience.

What I’m realizing is as long as I generally consistently take care of these four areas there’s some built up elasticity that leaves room for mistakes or asking for space or support.

I’ve learned that if when I see the balls starting to drop I evaluate which ones are rubber I can let them drop, catch the ones that are glass and gently set them down, (this might be asking a spouse for help, a friend for a reschedule or a boss for an extension) then I can reevaluate the best sequence in which to start juggling again.

And actually if you think about it – when you watch a talented juggler that’s what they’ll do if things are starting to get out of control – they will drop/catch all the juggling objects and then restart.

Breathe, focus, and start again! So much less scary than the idea that if you drop one of the four it’s permanently shattered 🌻💞🌈

Thank you for the space…

As I navigate all the complexities of being me – and there are a lot (more than there need to be…) I find myself so grateful for the people who accept me as I am. I also find that I need to remind myself to give them space to be who they are.

I often talk about my relationship with my husband and of course that’s normal because we spent a lot of time together, but this actually crossed my mind the other day in relation to people I work with.

I was having a day where I wasn’t approaching life with the grace that I would like to approach it with, basically I was super cranky.

And later when I was in my “time out” a.k.a. post work glass of wine I found myself reflecting on how much I appreciate that everybody just went about their day and didn’t react to my irritability.

Where this comes back to my husband 😉 is he pretty consistently shows up to support me, and works to meet me in the middle.

This is important because it would be easy to not recognize this for what it is – a gift of space, a gift to be who we are. And that expands outside our closest relationships when I think about patterns in general.

We get into patterns with people; spouses, siblings, parents, co-workers…”you push this button, then I push that button, then you push this button…” And next thing you know there’s a huge argument over taking out the trash or you’re absolutely not going to Thanksgiving if your sister is going to be there or Bob never take accountability for anything.

So for me I am very appreciative for the times where people in my life give me the space to “have my moment”.

Thank you to my friends who don’t hang up on me when I get snippy, thank you to my coworkers for staying focused on the topic not the tone, and of course thank you to my husband for excepting all of me as I am.

Every time one of you cuts me some slack, it inspires me to do the same for somebody else! Let’s keep being kind to one another whenever we are able and moment after moment we can help create the world we want to see. 🌻💞🌈

Ouch, that stung…

I saw a post written a leader I really admire. I was lucky enough to get to work closely with her on a mentoring program and I learned so much from her about grace under pressure, general poise, and the MASSIVE amounts of work that goes into appearing effortlessly good at your job.

Thinking about her lead me down memory lane to other leaders I encountered in that company; and feedback I received – and how sometimes the best advice is a criticism.

One that rang out like a little bell was “you don’t know how to let things go”. The context was an idea I was advocating for that I really believed in. I was so convinced that this was a “must-do” idea that I wasn’t listening to the responses I was getting. That particular idea died on the vine, and I don’t know was it a bad (or un-polished) idea or did my “selling” technique kill it?

As I am writing this I can think of several scenarios where I “talked myself out of the sale” – literally during my stint as a photocopier sales person – and figuratively I have done it a bunch in both personal and work situations.

How many times when arguing with your spouse do you go for the last word, or blow right past them saying “I agree, let’s do it your way”. In a debate with your kids, do you sometimes miss that crucial turning point when they’ve accepted what you’re telling them, so you keep going and now the kid is grounded for resentful backtalk, you’re pouring a glass of wine and the cat is hiding under the bed…

At work have you ever been told “you’re too rigid” or “you are not collaborative” – those are code for “it’s not all about you”. This is a short little post, but my question may not be a short answer…

If you take some of the feedback you’ve gotten that made you the most defensive, angry, dismissive…and you un-pack it, what do you see? I 100% still get stuck on “selling” my vision; to the point where I’m not listening and I’m alienating, shutting out or talking over my allies. As I think back on leaders I want to thank; I owe that woman a note as well!

Think it over; who should you be saying thank you to?

Practical tips for building confidence!

I love it when I come across something that offers easy to understand, clear cut actions that we can take toward our goals. This post I found on LinkedIn offers 8 Guaranteed Ways to Boost Your Confidence and they’re all doable!

Self-reflection. More often than not, you’ve achieved much more than you realize, and you’re probably an inspiration to someone, you just don’t see that in yourself. So much of the time we spend evaluating ourselves focuses on the negative. What we need to fix or improve, mistakes we made, goals we missed. Yes, we need to be realistic about areas for improvement, but we need to truly assess, and track our strengths. While you’re reading this think of a few things you’re really good at – I don’t care if one of them is tongue rolling or moon-walking; just as long as you’re really good at it.

Boundaries! Be courteous, but be firm. Don’t justify, don’t waffle. If you need to say no – just say no. Think about some of the people you admire most. Observe or recall when you’ve seen them say no. Their tone and body language are relaxed, they’re friendly and at ease. A confident person says no without being defensive because they understand their own needs and priorities and they’re not concerned about offending someone. If saying no makes you uncomfortable you’re probably stuck in a “pleaser” pattern and that’s a tough spot – for you, and for the person you’re mad at because you said yes to something you didn’t want to, or said no and now feel guilty.

Celebrate Success 👏  This is actually a chemical thing! “Small victories build new androgen receptors in the areas of the brain responsible for reward and motivation. This increase in androgen receptors increases the influence of testosterone, which further increases your confidence and your eagerness to tackle future challenges. When you have a series of small victories, the boost in your confidence can last for months.” Months! That’s a pretty impressive return on investment. The author didn’t specify what to celebrate so here are a few suggestions:

• Next time you exercise, challenge yourself to 5 extra minutes, or 10 more reps or an extra mile…
• Identify a task that you can complete in 2 hours or less, set a timer…GO!!
• Have a conversation you’ve been avoiding
• Do a chore you hate doing (or love doing, as long as you celebrate it)
• Set an achievable, short term work milestone (not “get promoted to Vice President”)

Exercise 👟 There’s a reason everything you come across that’s focused on self-improvement, growth, health, success etc… has at least one sentence on exercise. It’s that science thing again. Think of all the things you get. Endorphins, dopamine, anxiety reduction, and I found a new one: endocannabinoids – check out this article from Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center – Five Surprising Ways Exercise Changes Your Brain. ’nuff said, go walk around the block…

Be Assertive, Not Aggressive – this one I took exactly as written because it rang really true.  “Aggressiveness isn’t confidence; it’s bullying. And when you’re insecure, it’s easy to slip into aggressiveness without intending to. Practice asserting yourself without getting aggressive (and trampling over someone else in the process). You won’t be able to achieve this until you learn how to keep your insecurities at bay, and this will increase your confidence.” I really notice this in myself. On a day where I’m feeling confident I maintain boundaries, ask for what I need and give direction with a completely different tone than I do on days where I’m feeling anxious. I like me so much better on the confident days 🙂

See, none of those are impossible. You don’t have to lose 10 pounds, buy a BMW, climb Everest, post the perfect yoga pose on Instagram…try the things about, and read the full article to check out the other 3 tips 🌻

It’s not you; it’s me…

I don’t mean in the early dating sense of trying to let somebody down easy, I mean in the burgeoning self awakening sense of “Oh! If I am always feeling attacked maybe the source of that is my interpretation not external forces…”

This is a tricky thing to master because those of us that are inclined to be sensitive and take things too personally also tend to be people pleasers and as pleasers, we sometimes encounter takers. The takers aren’t necessarily even “bad” people, sometimes they’re just folks who assume that you’ll set your own boundaries.

I find that there can be a thin line between standing up for oneself and being defensive.

Usually my first interpretation is that the other person is being mean, unfair or some other negative label and then it’s not until I passive aggressively remove myself from the situation and I am doing something like washing the dishes (up on my cross, ’cause, you know I was wronged) then my mind starts to wander and I start to reflect and I start to consider some of the other explanations…

Of course there are times where upon reflection my offense was justified; unfortunately more often than not I realize that “oh it’s not you, it’s me”.

I’d really like to say that this only happens with bad bosses or past boyfriends or my husband when he’s being a typical insensitive man (you know I am being sarcastic right?). Well, if I’m honest with myself, that’s not true.

It happens when I’m chatting with my friends on the phone, it happens when I am interacting with a customer service clerk, it happens when I’m emailing with tax advisers – as this shows it can happen to me with pretty much anybody – adding more weight to the “it’s not you, it’s me theory”.

Let’s look at the good news first – everyone doesn’t hate me, think I’m stupid, want to leave (breakup, stop being friends etc…). The bad news is if I keep getting mad at them for my own self-critical interpretations, that might change 😀

I like to close these with some sort of commitment to act or other resolution, but I seem to have a mild case of COVID, so for now – this is enough.

Best wishes to you all! 🌻. ❤️

Surround yourself with brave people

It’s a struggle for me to ask for things that I feel like are requesting special treatment or might be a bother to the person I’m asking – which is odd, ’cause I often tell people “you can ask for anything you want, if you’re willing to accept the answer might be no”.

I guess if I think about it, what’s hardest to ask for is the special treatment stuff. Justifying a raise or bigger bonus if I’ve got the work performance to “prove it”, and I have a good relationship with my boss, pretty easy.  Asking for special working privileges or past work recommendations (I just checked, I’ve written 24 and gotten 6… 😬 ) or a better table or someone to trade seats on an airplane…speaking of air travel – that person brave enough to say “Would you be willing to let me go ahead, my flight’s about to board…”

I recently experienced this from a work perspective. I needed to request the option to work internationally. I was 99% sure that it was not possible and didn’t want to bother anyone with a wild goose chase…but I channeled the voices of my husband and friends and other brave people I know and I went for it!

Now – the way these types of stories are supposed to go is “I didn’t imagine in my wildest dreams, but I put myself out there and it was a total triumph….” We expect that because those are the stories people share. By this lead in you can guess – that’s not how things went in my case 🙃

The reason I’m writing about it anyway is I’m so PROUD of myself for trying! I didn’t let my “practical” (yet self-conscious) voice talk me out of it. I used the support of people who I trust and I love to encourage me to make the leap and try it. Here are the things I heard:

My friend’s son who is just knocking it out of the park as an ROTC student…cadet?? (not really up on these terms, but he’s a real life Top Gun trainee!!) …when I mentioned how impressed I was about the amazing things he’s apply for, getting and excelling at she said -“Yeah, he just has kind of always been one of those –  “someone has to be accepted, why not me?”. Ummmm – that’s BRILLIANT! (And good job Momma for raising a baby who has that internal dialogue instead of some of the others that float around out there) – so next time you’re debating if you are “good enough” for something – try that idea “has to be someone, why not me?”

In another post “Afraid to Ask for Seconds” I explored the example a friend of my sets by just putting it out there. What really affected me is she told me that she’s often full of doubt, but she asks anyway. She’s taking my concept of “you can ask for anything if you’re willing to accept no as an answer” and really living it. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t easy. When she’s pitching an idea that’s outside the norm she’s coming armed with the data, and the research and the benefits to the approver but she’s staring from the mindset of “I have value, you need what I have to offer, let’s find a way to make it work”.

Which leads me into the way my husband responds to my confidence crises  ❤️  He’s sometimes a bit impatient but I’ve come to realize that it’s because to him, it’s completely obvious so why is there a need to spend time discussing it. Him: “They clearly want you, the ball is in your court, just tell them what you want” …Me:  “but what if I’m asking too much, I know that it will be really hard for them to get approval, I don’t want to put my manager in a bad position…” Him “fine, do whatever you want, I don’t want to go round and round” – that sort of response used to lead to an argument about him not being supportive, not listening (let’s be honest, it still sometimes does …😂 ) but the important part here is sometimes being supported in constant second-guessing is the least helpful thing people can do for us. To him, I’m amazing, I’m good at my job and if they don’t / can’t see that – it’s their problem – let’s go swimming… (by the way, when it didn’t work out, he completely listened to my mini-melt down, fear based “I’m doomed” rambling but what is important is he didn’t support me doing that BEFORE I’d been told no 🧗‍♀️ (yes, it’s tiny – it’s a rockclimer, LOL )

We need people in our life who will challenge us to get out of our comfort zone. When we can’t be brave, we need the people who will be brave for us. And, when they’re having a day where their courage is lacking, return the favor. Remind them “why not you?”, “just ask” and “you’re amazing, what’s their problem”💗 🌻 🌈