The past few weeks we’ve been doing some crisis management around the care of my mother-in-law. She’s in her early 80s and starting to have some cognitive challenges. We’ve all been experiencing some frustration about why she won’t just cooperate or follow medical advice. What we’re finally starting to come to terms with is, she can’t. She doesn’t remember how to use the microwave no matter how often she’s shown. She’s unable to stop herself from going out and standing on the sidewalk watching the neighbors because her brain isn’t talking to her the way our brains talk to us.
A couple of months ago I found myself fighting to stay awake on a Zoom call (pretty sure I visibly fell asleep at least once) and now realize I maybe was too quick to judge the guy who used to sleep in meetings at work. I get it. Even if you’re a fit, vibrant, energetic 50ish year old – your energy level is declining a bit.
My husband and his golf buddy (who has 10 years on my husband) recently played golf 3 days in a row, and also did all the corresponding socializing – they both slept 1.5 days after.
My Mom was very frustrated in the last several years of her life and a) struggled to “let it be” and 2) didn’t have the energy to make the personal / lifestyle changes that would have solved many of her frustrations.
My brother-in-law can’t hear a word any of us say, and does not have hearing aids; and used to be very vocal about not understanding why his father wouldn’t just get hearing aids…
A friend recently pointed out that she’s probably on her 3rd or 4th body. The young woman, the young mother, the post-autoimmune version and now the menopause version. Each one of those had different talents and limits and none could be “operated” the same way as the prior version.
These stories are all reminding me that each of us will be there one day as well – I can see the future and mine will have some, perhaps many, of the above “signs of aging”.
So – I’m going to try to be more patient with the people I know who are aging. I’m going to be more understanding of their frustrations. I will be more conscious of the need to sometimes explain to us “young ‘uns” that Aunt Sally or Uncle Bob are not being difficult, they’re just navigating change. I will be more patient and supportive of myself. Rather than getting frustrated that my hands don’t grip as well as they used to, I’ll take another approach. I will keep in mind that I too will one day not understand why I can’t stand in the driveway and watch the neighbors. I will prepare today as appropriate and let go of judgement for myself and others.
I remembered some of this while my Mom was alive, but wish I’d been a bit more mindful of it. Not just in the last few months as she was ill but in the last few years as she was dealing with the fear and frustration of “not being herself”. I know that my Mom would be accepting of me not knowing it then, and still learning it now; she was a big believer in being where you are, while also working toward your goals.
Why am I bringing this up? As a reminder to look beyond today / this moment and prepare for / accept the evolving journey we’re all on. I can see the future, and so can you! Let’s greet it with as much love and acceptance as we are able. ❤
Wisdom of Friends 