I hate roller coasters…

Okay, kind of a strong statement, and not entirely true, I like the little ones – like the Pirate of the Caribbean at Disneyland (you know, the one 5 year olds think is a yawn…) but in general NOT a fan.

I don’t like the lack of control, the “you’ll just have to sit here and wait it out”; I don’t like the unexpected drops; I don’t like the jarring and I think they’re super noisy with all the clacking, rattling, screams of delight and shrieks of terror.

What inspired this mini-rant? Emotions and their similarity to roller coasters. I’m currently re-shaping my career. For years I said my goal after I left big corporate was to do contract gigs for any sized company and help them implement their operations. Early in my career I mainly worked for tiny start-ups; it was so much fun! I loved the new challenges and problems and the opportunity to research and implement solutions. I was a natural organizer and the flow of activity to accomplish an objective tends to just “pop-out” for me. My brain automatically says “oh, you want to be X by Y, then you’ll need to start from A at…” I do this with travel, finance, cooking, project planning – it’s just how I see things.

What I forgot in my excitement of starting a new journey is the roller coaster. One minute I’m full of optimism and enthusiasm. The next I’m despondent, despairing that I’ll ever find a job I can both excel at, and love. It’s exhausting! And like a roller coaster, not entirely predictable. I can have a day that on paper should be a “gang busters” kind of day. I got a good night’s sleep, I had a nice coffee/browse before yoga, I felt good after exercising – many of the usual aches/pains were not present and I had good flow as the day started…then I hit a something that flipped a self-doubt button and to the bottom we raced…”nope, not gonna do that today” so I shook it off, did something that would empower me for a minute and up we zoomed…cruising along for a minute, then back to the hard work of re-positioning, re-framing, re-selling…ahhh…. the floor is rushing up at me…

One of the nice things about this whole Wisdom of Friends experiment we all have going (yes, you’re in this too) is sometimes when the reality of life is getting to me it triggers and idea and I can get it off my chest with you. Selfishly it’s beneficial because I get to stay productive (I’ve bucketed WoF as a productive activity for me, I’m sure it must be for you too? 😇) and I get to process / explore “huh, why’d I do/think/feel that”. I also share because I know I’m not so unique that what I’m experiencing is a revelation but maybe there’s a nugget in how I cope/manage/navigate through a challenge that will be an “oh! cool!” for you too.

So, where’s the nugget with this roller coaster thing? I guess it’s perseverance. Today I’ve wanted off the roller coaster several times but because I’m a) committed to getting work that is flexible and that I enjoy and b) I paid a coach a lot of money to keep my honest – I kept my arms and legs inside the car and rode on. Just like on a real roller coaster where sometimes I just picture how happy I’ll be when the ride is over, today I sometimes just thought about something else for a minute. Today I’ve done dishes, vacuumed, folded laundry, written this post, messed around on Facebook, updated my budget, and returned some messages – but I’ve also worked on my personal brand, my messaging, my network and acknowledged I have to make some improvements to my LinkedIn. So, the ride is coming to a stop, I’ve got my belongings and I’m getting off now. But I persevered and I’m proud of myself.

Next time you’re struggling with a good for you but un-pleasant activity maybe the roller coaster comparison will help keep you belted in until you come to a full and complete…stop? completion? Thanks for being at the carnival with me! 🎢. See you soon 🌻 ❤️

You are enough…I’ve had enough…

Interesting…well, I think so…I had a random realization – the positive mantra of “I am enough” is often one we arrive at because we’ve “had enough“. Enough of feeling less than, or too much of. Less than…not successful enough, thin enough, rich enough, lighthearted enough, smart enough…Too much…too heavy, too loud, too needy, too bossy, too shallow, too much…

At work we get bombarded with messages that directly or indirectly tell us we’re not enough. Performance reviews, co-workers who seem so much more valued, productive, promotable, status reports, the constant hamster wheel of projects – finishing one just leads to another. Work can give us the too much message too – particularly for women. You’re too forceful, you’re too aggressive, you’re too flexible, you’re too helpful…

At home our partners, children, parents all consistently ask of us – which can feel like a message of “you’re not (doing) enough”; for me requests are an unspoken criticism that I haven’t anticipated a need, or they’re sense of discomfort because if I didn’t have it planned I likely don’t have time (that’s another post, over committing…) and now I have to say no and I’ll be defensive about it because I feel guilty and oops, there we go, argument…. Lots of opportunities for “too much” scolding at home too! The biggest one that I think pleasers get is “you’re too helpful”.

If real world feedback wasn’t enough, don’t get me started on advertising!! Yes, I know the common wisdom is “don’t listen to that, block it out, it’s not real” but there are a few challenges with that advice. #1 – advertisers KNOW we’re trying to not listen so they’re masterful at breaking through, they have to be, it’s their job! #2 – most of us, despite our best efforts not to carry some negative messages which are easily triggered by the perfection we see in media (all forms).

I’m finding that as I’m seeking ways to address the feelings of not being enough that I’m actually getting more prickly. I have “had enough” for several years… maybe even a couple of decades…hmmm…I’m getting old, ha! but even though I’ve had enough and am getting better at drawing lines, I often draw them too forcefully because I’m still working on believing I’m enough. I’ll feel the “not enough” message and get defensive but I’m just starting to be able to reflect and do some soul-searching to realize the root. For example, it took some digging to realize that the sense of shame I feel when I get a weird look for being loud (a laugh, an exclamation, etc…) is from messages as a little kid that I was too loud.

Generally if you’re exploring this stuff you’re also getting lots of “let it go, you’re enough” messages – which is great; what I’m realizing is that until I truly internalize that and let go of my “not enough” hold overs I am fierce in my “I’m enough”. I actually think that fiercenes can be a good thing but in this scenario it’s leading to defensiveness which is leading to conflict.

Where I’m trying to get, and hope I we can go there together, is to truly believe we are enough, just as we are. And we know this, when we are quiet and listen to our hearts. Let’s practice tuning out the static and dialing in on our spirits! ❤️ 🕊️

Getting stuff done…

I struggle with focus and procrastination. I am interested in a lot of things so it’s easy for me to get derailed and I have low level anxiety so my brain is always going “oh no, you need to do this other thing, RIGHT NOW” and before I know it I have 16 windows open, 4 partial emails, 6 read but not responded to messages (in Slack, WhatsApp, Messenger, text…), a sink full of partially washed dishes, a load of mildewing laundry waiting to be hung and nothing taken out for dinner…not to mention 4 in flight work projects and notes scribbles from 6 meetings …at which point I’m overwhelmed and go see what you’re all doing on Facebook or wherever.

I don’t think I’m alone in this which is why I’m writing this post – I might have a tool that can help! This isn’t new, I had a friend tell me about a similar technique she used but I’d never tried it before.

Pick a thing you want to get done, right now mine is this post. Turn off all your distractions (phone in airplane mode, door closed, etc…). Set your timer for 50 minutes, put your head down and “go” for the duration of your timer. It works! My friend years ago used a kitchen timer (I still remember, its was a rooster LOL) but she only set it for 15 minutes; it takes me 15 min to get into my groove!

I’m taking a career development class right now. It was affordable enough I could justify it and expensive enough that I don’t want to cut corners. Our coach sets up 2, 2 hour co-working sessions, Monday and Wednesday. He spends 3-5 min going around the “room” and asking what each of us is targeting for the next 50 minutes, tells us all to go on DND and sets the timer…

I’ve had 2 weeks of this now (4 sessions) and WOW! gotten way more done than previously. I’m also doing a better job of setting a realistic target.

I believe this is working for me because it’s long enough I can get really absorbed which is necessary for me to be productive, it takes about 10-15 min for my inner voice to subside, and not so long that I fall down a rabbit hole and get NOTHING else done.

Another reason I’m finding this beneficial is it’s causing me to have to pick a couple of things to focus on for the day; not 700. So some things naturally fall away because they’re not important enough to justify giving that precious time block to and others get completed because they’re getting real focus. I fully recognize there are a MILLION (probably the actual number) of tools, tips, experts on productivity. This one I’m sharing because it’s truly working for me and it’s solving some of my prior challenges with the standard recommendations of “prioritize, schedule time, do”.

To recap – here’s what’s working for me:

1. Initially to build discipline, I’ve paid for it 🙂 To me it’s like paying a trainer to get me kick started on a prepping for a marathon, or a physical therapist to teach me how to build the right muscles to fix my knees. If you’re someone who doesn’t need to buy discipline – awesome! If you do need a coach,trainer, “boss” feel free to message me, I have all sorts of folks I can recommend.
2. Block the time on your calendar. Last week I only did the 2 pre-scheduled blocks my coach had sent, the rest of my calendar was a jumble. This week I actually planned what I wanted to do for each 50 min block and a few other blocks. If I can achieve 4-6 hours of work productivity every day I’m in GREAT shape.
3. I’m planning the week loosely, then each day setting specific targets for my blocks.
4. Stick to the no distractions, trust the timer.
5. Put your head down…GO!!

I’ve gotten several big items done this way, and I have one big item in progress that I’m making myself work on in chunks, then take breaks. I’m staying more focused and producing better quality work.

Give it a try, it won’t cost you anything (unless you hire discipline 🙂 ) and it might help you get stuff done and feel a sense of accomplishment! 🌻 🌈

It’s not you; it’s me…

I don’t mean in the early dating sense of trying to let somebody down easy, I mean in the burgeoning self awakening sense of “Oh! If I am always feeling attacked maybe the source of that is my interpretation not external forces…”

This is a tricky thing to master because those of us that are inclined to be sensitive and take things too personally also tend to be people pleasers and as pleasers, we sometimes encounter takers. The takers aren’t necessarily even “bad” people, sometimes they’re just folks who assume that you’ll set your own boundaries.

I find that there can be a thin line between standing up for oneself and being defensive.

Usually my first interpretation is that the other person is being mean, unfair or some other negative label and then it’s not until I passive aggressively remove myself from the situation and I am doing something like washing the dishes (up on my cross, ’cause, you know I was wronged) then my mind starts to wander and I start to reflect and I start to consider some of the other explanations…

Of course there are times where upon reflection my offense was justified; unfortunately more often than not I realize that “oh it’s not you, it’s me”.

I’d really like to say that this only happens with bad bosses or past boyfriends or my husband when he’s being a typical insensitive man (you know I am being sarcastic right?). Well, if I’m honest with myself, that’s not true.

It happens when I’m chatting with my friends on the phone, it happens when I am interacting with a customer service clerk, it happens when I’m emailing with tax advisers – as this shows it can happen to me with pretty much anybody – adding more weight to the “it’s not you, it’s me theory”.

Let’s look at the good news first – everyone doesn’t hate me, think I’m stupid, want to leave (breakup, stop being friends etc…). The bad news is if I keep getting mad at them for my own self-critical interpretations, that might change 😀

I like to close these with some sort of commitment to act or other resolution, but I seem to have a mild case of COVID, so for now – this is enough.

Best wishes to you all! 🌻. ❤️