A quiet way that COVID distancing may be effecting your happiness….

I read an article…months…a year?… ago and it sticks with me – partly because I keep noticing how much truth it contained and now that I re-read it, and this draft post – I’m struck by the void that our world-wide “semi-quarantine” has created.

We all know that we can’t see our family, friends, co-workers as much as we’d like. What we probably don’t realize is how much not seeing our barista is effecting us – and not due to a latte withdrawal.

The premise is that those “almost strangers” – folks we have some level of regular interaction with but don’t “know” (often not even their name) – have a profound effect on our well being.

Exchanging pleasantries in the checkout line, the morning greeting from the barista, the dry cleaner influence our sense of belonging. For example, the dry cleaner I mentioned, I see this incredibly kind lady about 4 times a year;  she always remembers my name and phone number and seems truly happy to see me – not in a “thanks for your business” way but in a “how are you today” way; my dry cleaner makes me feel happy and cared about!

““These kinds of minimal interactions with people make us feel good—like we’re connected to people,” she says. “It makes us feel more trust in the world and more of a sense of community. I think that’s something humans really need. We need to feel like we’re part of something—that we belong. And we suffer all sorts of negative consequences when we don’t feel that.” ” (How Small Talk With Almost-Strangers Profoundly Affects Your Happiness By Jamie Friedlander)

This type of connection is called a “weak-tie” by sociologists; I guess often we just call these folks acquaintances 🙂 and while weak tie relationships can help keep us from leaning too much on “strong-tie” they also are invaluable for networking, specifically job hunting! Supporting research cited in the article points out that “Interacting with casual acquaintances opens up our networks tenfold.” – that’s a big deal! (okay, that we’ll look at more in another thread, because COVID has taken this post in a new direction)

So back to this “void”. I have definitely noticed that a friendly exchange with a barista, grocery checker, co-worker in the elevator can boost me and when I’m feeling crabby, forcing myself be friendly (or at least not abrupt) often kick starts me into a better frame of mind.

Now that our “almost stranger” interactions are a) rare and b) weird – we’re lonely! Yes, I know that’s not “news” but what probably is “news” is that it’s not the obvious people we are missing, it’s as the author says, “small, seemingly insignificant interactions were enough to lift my mood and help me feel less isolated.”.

Okay, so now you’re probably thinking “great – thanks for pointing out another way 2020 stinks” but what if instead we think about other ways to get these micro interactions?

For those of us who are somewhat out and about – smile at the people you pass on the sidewalk, take the time to say thanks to the grocery clerk – you both need it!, take the winter blankets to the dry cleaner (I know your suits are gathering dust, maybe take them in too?).

If you’re sticking closer to home Facebook has some great groups. I’m in cooking groups, investing groups, travel groups. It’s a good way to connect with people with common interests. If Facebook isn’t your thing, are there community Zoom groups? Maybe the local library has a virtual book club – no? Can you start one? And even if you’re staying close to home – take a few walks every week. See an amazing flower garden? Mail them a postcard!

We need our community more than ever right now, and those weak ties are actually pretty important, they provide a light mesh that many other larger elements of our health and happiness are built on. Kind of like our social fascia 🙂 (Anatomical terminology: A fascia (/ˈfæʃ(i)ə/; plural fasciae /ˈfæʃii/; adjective fascial; from Latin: “band”) is a band or sheet of connective tissue, primarily collagen, beneath the skin that attaches, stabilizes, encloses, and separates muscles and other internal organs.) Okay, I geeked out there for a minute but you see my point, right? 😛

Anyway, keep the weak ties going, and if they’ve fallen by the wayside, built them back up! Stay safe, we’ll make it through this. 🌻

Dread or Dwell – do you do this?

During my yoga classes we start with breathing exercises and one of the things we do is check in with our thoughts, “where do they go?” our teacher will ask “do you think back, or forward?” This made me ponder, “am I dweller or a dreader”? I realized that while I can still definitely can get stuck on a past regret/embarrassment, it doesn’t stick as hard as it used to. Past resentments are still tougher to let go of…so a little good/bad news – while I’m being more forgiving of myself, I’m still pretty tough on other people 😀

The reason this is good news is because it’s progress, at least from my perspective. This whole blogging exercise, dabbling in meditation, working with a therapist/coach, trying to have better physical and therefore mental health is all driven by a quest for “peace”. I am not sure what “peace” looks like for others, but for me I imagine it will be when I can get the voice to STOP! and the knot in my stomach to loosen. I have a constant stream of anxious thoughts and it’s very distracting/exhausting. I’m sure that half the stuff my little voice worries about being a problem or not getting done comes true because I lose focus.

Here’s a small example, the other day I drove to the stable in my slip on tennis shoes instead of my riding boots – which meant I had to turn around and go home to get my boots. I lost 30 min of a 60 min lesson because I was distracted by my inner monologue and lost track of what I was doing. This is a challenge in the work world too. I have friends who can multi-task while on a call and I’m sure part of it is 50% of their brain isn’t going “when I retire, will I run out of money, will I be so adrift that I spend too much time doing nothing, how will I manage to keep focus on…oh, crap, did they just ask me question, uggg, now I have to ask them to repeat it”

So, any indication that the voice is losing steam for a few things is good news! It’s also good news because it means that this stuff works!!! Now that I seem to be more able to let the past go, the next step is to allow the future to be what it will be. This is a tougher challenge because I also deeply believe in our ability to shape our destiny, chart our own paths so I’m an active proponent of thinking, planning, forecasting – the trick is to do it without worry and without getting in a spin-cycle. Build a plan and then let it be – stop meddling!

Most of us know some of the common wisdoms around letting go of worry but let’s recap them here – like any skill or muscle, repetition is the key to success.

Challenge the story. When your brain starts going to a terrible place, exaggerating the single occurrence to be “the way things are”, assuming the worst will happen …etc…ask yourself for proof! It is really true, is that the only interpretation, is there any evidence to the contrary?

Solvable vs Unsolvable. I like this one – remember to evaluate if there’s something you can do to influence the outcome. Worried about a bill? Can you call and renegotiate (do this BEFORE it’s due), plan to put a small amount into savings every pay check. Even in our most dire circumstances with things such as health or money worries – there is likely a fix. If your worry is more about uncertainty – start by evaluating likelihood. If it’s very likely then it may actually be solvable. If it is unlikely then it can be put into the box of “deal with it if/when it happens”. Dale Carnegie has a technique I like for this type of worry. What’s the worst that could happen? What would you do then? Okay, well, now you know how to solve that problem if it ever occurs. The next time the dread starts to build on that concern you can remind yourself – “yes, but we have a plan if we wind up destitute and alone in a foreign country”.

The other tips that we are familiar with are: distract yourself, mindfulness and sharing your worries. You can distract yourself by keeping physically active, meditating, deep breathing. I feel like there are a lot of tools in this category. Some days it’s exercise, some days it’s cat videos – just look for a balance 🙂 Mindfulness, to me – in this context, is simply noticing that that the dread wheel is spinning. Often noticing it is enough to get it to stop. And finally – talk about it! If you can’t talk to another person, try talking to yourself (a little bit, not for hours on end 🙂 ) – I read an interesting article about coping with stress – talking out loud can actually changes the way to process your worries. Letting them roam around internally can actually help them grow. Here’s a fun article on how to talk to yourself effectively 🌻 Another way to share is something like what we’re doing right now. You can create a blog, or if that’s too ambitious for today, just post on someone else blog! You are welcome to share your worries here ❤

For today I’m going to chose to think of myself as a recovered dweller and in process of releasing dread. And on that note – going for a walk. When you’ve finished reading this, maybe you can go outside too?

Push past the finish line

This is a phrase I picked up from my “trainer” (aka the website I subscribe too 🙂 but she’s really great, check it out). Not sure if she’s said it in more than one class or if I just watch that class a lot but it feels like I’ve heard it a number of times and each time it “chimes” internally.  The context is she’s encouraging us to give that last burst, to finish hard/strong for our round of burpees or whatever current torture she’s putting us through – ha!

That got me starting to think about execution in general. For example, there’s a similar concept I have to apply in my riding. If I want to go over a jump well, with purpose, I need to act as if I’m headed for the jump after it. I can’t think “finish this and we’re done” or I coast into the landing of the jump and it’s too “floppy” (totally a technical riding term, I swear 😛 wait, you know it’s not, right?) which means if I did have another jump to do, I’d crash. Or because I’ve let go of the energy that was keeping me propelled if my horse spooked or I just wanted to look “crisp” – the necessary “pop” is not there.

When I think beyond exercise and into other goals I see same inertia there too. For my career I’d been driven by a specific monetary target for most of my life, when I the target the “invisible hand” that had been pushing me just went “pfffft” and that was it. Now granted there are other contributing factors to my slowed career growth, that’s for another post(s), blog, lifetime… but similar enough to fit this topic. Same with saving for retirement too – there was a number, a goal, a destination – when those things fell pretty much into place the drive to get over the final hump downshifted.

I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday’s workout. I need to start looking past/ pushing past the finish line in my life in general. So many things we want to accomplish require momentum, physical, mental, emotional – often all 3. Keeping something in motion is so much easier than starting from zero.

What can we do? How can we plan to avoid the “Peter Principle” as in petering out – not being promoted beyond our skill level. I’m thinking it’s planning from the start to push past the finish line, focus on the next jump, stick the landing. I’m going to try it, we’ll see how it goes 🙂

 

 

“… and remember what peace there may be in silence”

On a friend’s LinkedIn page today I came across a link to this HBR article “The Busier You Are, the More You Need Quiet Time” and I was reminded of the Desiderata, specifically the line I used for the title of this post.

I am a person who needs silence/alone time to re-charge, and I’m also sensitive to sound in general. I’ve become pretty comfortable with using little foam earplugs all the time. I order these ones from Amazon. They are tan colored so I look a little bit less like Shrek :P…oops, tangent…I’m bringing this up because I believe a lot of us have gotten so used to noise, hum, hustle and bustle that we find silence unsettling.

Time to do some digging…  This article was really interesting (well, partly because it supports by point of view…but really, check it out). The author has made a pretty compelling argument that many folks have a fear (or discomfort) of silence and that this is a learned behavior, versus a true biological one. I have heard that humans are born with 2 fears, snakes and falling. Based on my 30 second Google scan, that’s half right. We are actually born afraid of falling and loud noises, so basically, we’re naturally afraid of the opposite of silence.

Okay, so let’s say we believe discomfort with silence is “not natural” – then how do we reconnect with that base state? How does silence become a balm vs a bane? First, we need to get rid of some societal stuff.

If you search some combination of comfort/silence the initial articles are all about the dreaded “conversation lull” – so what?!? Okay, granted, 15 minutes would be weird, but a few seconds? even a minute or so? We are so conditioned to ensure we’re meeting others expectations that we worry if for 30 seconds we are not “carrying the ball”. Apparently in the US, 4 seconds is all it takes for things to get weird!

So – let’s start counting to 5 😛 …this post actually suggests counting to 10 and if you’re nervous (and therefore count fast) that’s probably about 5 seconds…oh, living on the edge – ha! good for you!. Now, add in some other elements, not just from the article I linked but start pulling in – a chance to truly take a full, deep breath, roll your shoulders back, gently rotate your neck, is your jaw clenched? What’s that song playing in the background? What color eyes does the person in front of you have? If you’re alone, can you feel the vibration in the room? If you’re with a friend or co-worker and there’s a lull – what if instead of filling it you say “oh, it’s so nice to be able to quietly relax around you” and if you’re with your mate…shhh… wait, feel that presence? that’s ease of being “accepted”. ❤

Just writing this post gave me that peace I get from silence. It took me a long time to find quiet soothing, now I find it need it. It makes me a kinder, calmer, gentler person. I think more clearly. I have fewer “grumbles”. Silence is a balm for me. I hope for you too! 🌻

 

 

Wrestling financial demons…

Money makes me nauseous. Paying bills, committing to large expenses, paying the higher price for quality, all of these things freak me out. I make better than average money – at least right now, when/if I quit my day job….eeek!!! – and even though I have this financial security, I stress. Writing this post is knotting my stomach!

Due to my discomfort I pendulum; sometimes I’m frugal to the point of bad decisions (avoiding investing, not buying the best house in the best neighborhood I can afford, buying inexpensive clothes that look like crap and I hate so don’t wear…) and other times silly spendy (sure, “let’s spend $200 on golf, that’s not really much different than going to dinner” – but then we go to dinner too, and all the sudden a few “sure why nots” hit the card and I’m going “how the heck did our bill get to $4K?”).

For years my approach to managing money has been to chase higher pay. That is starting to come to an end because we’re planning for retirement – and I don’t know many people who get raises or bonuses in retirement. This means I need to get a handle on my finances and I know others who are going through similar challenges right now. They’ve changed careers/jobs; taken (received) the Corona virus pay cut, had major health issues that lead to debt, or just decided they’d like to figure out their financial future.

Getting a budget figured out is not much different than going on a diet or committing to an exercise plan – it’s all about getting honest / real now in order to reap future benefit – so I thought – let’s do it together!

Note: if you’re like me, and this stuff stresses you out, start your budgeting exercise when you don’t have a heavy day the next day. I wrote this over 2 days, and the night between I was awake from 1-4 AM! Oh well, I read a good book with my unexpected quiet/alone time… 😐

Step 1 – What do you need?

Yes, you can start with “how much do you have” but that doesn’t tell you if that’s enough, so first thing is, what are your expenses?

Don’t forget the non-monthly but big items (car insurance, taxes)

I’d encourage a line item for savings (I do my via auto withdrawal so it’s taken from my check in advance, I don’t count it as an expense, or income – it’s just “gone”)

Google “household budget template”, here are a few:

• Kiplinger: Household Budget Worksheet (kinda fancy!)
• 10 Free Household Budget Spreadsheets for 2020 (So many choices!)
• The Best Personal Finance and Budgeting Spreadsheets (Tools and templates!)

Or build your own – here’s a sample you can copy / paste into Google Sheets:

Item –  Primary	Amount	Frequency
Housing (Rent/Mortage)	$2,000.00	Monthly
Groceries	$800.00	Monthly
Water	$50.00	Monthly
Electric	$50.00	Monthly
Phone	$100.00	Monthly
Gas	$50.00	Monthly
Internet	$50.00	Monthly
Fuel	$100.00	Monthly
TV (Cable, Netflix, etc…)	$100.00	Monthly
Insurance (renters, home owners)	$100.00	Monthly
Savings?	$100.00	Monthly
Monthly	$3,500.00
Annual	$40,800.00
Item – Discretionary	Amount	Frequency
Eating out	$800.00	Monthly
Entertainment	$500.00	Monthly
Monthly	$1,300.00
Annual	$15,600.00

Step 2 – What do you have?

This is your current income, any savings (401k, piggy bank, HSA, FSA, under the mattress…) Create a similar spreadsheet to the one above, or Google it (try: “personal assets and liabilities template”), there are a ton of samples online.

Step 3 – Compare what you need with what you have.

Pour a glass of wine, meditate, get a bowl of ice cream – whatever your “soothe” is – do that first. This step is scary, but it’s critical to getting your arms around your finances. If you have more than you need, excellent! Next post we’ll discuss some ideas of what to do with it. If you have less than you need, that’s okay – now you can start figuring out why and we’ll look at that more next post, in the meantime, a few things to consider:

• Do you truly track you’re spending? I swear, I “flush” $20/day. That’s $600/month!!! That’s a car payment (a nice car!)
• Are you mixing needs and wants? Do you need 4 streaming services?
• Are you paying a lot of interest? More than one card, student loans, other debt?
• Are you leaving money on the table? I know folks who think “I can’t afford to contribute to my 401K” Well, after the tax savings, maybe you can? (And ALWAYS take the match!!!!!)
• Are you monitoring your subscriptions? Can you ask your cable company for a discount? Phone company? Do you have old magazines on auto-pay?

To be fair, realistically many of us are truly tight for money, and also have some spending habits that are not helping us. Once you’ve done this exercise, figure out your true gap between need and have. That’s the hole we need to bridge. Now – if you’ve completed 1-3 and feel like you’ve got a bit of a handle on that, the next thing to tackle is:

Step 4 – What will you need?

This is challenging, it’s basically Step 1, but it’s all the things you’ll have to pay (or not pay) when you retire (or have a baby or get married, etc..) – and there’s no crystal ball so you’ll have to estimate.

People struggle with this because it feels completely unknown, but you know more than you think, and there are a gazillion examples out there. Trying Googling “how much do I need to retire”. Or – do it yourself. Here are a few things to consider:

Will your income be going up, down, staying flat? (Retirement, having babies, likely down (at least for a while), working on a Masters, probably up (eventually).

Where will you be living? Is housing more or less expensive? How about car insurance? Will you have medical or need to pay out of pocket.

Okay – if you’ve even read this far you’ve done a lot! Simply deciding to start thinking about managing your money is a big accomplishment. Go for a walk, do some yoga, eat some chocolate – some little treat/reward, and brainstorm your next actions.

Next post we’ll explore stuff like investment resources and debt management techniques.  Here’s to our financial adventure 🙂