Stop saying “sorry” – let’s discuss alternatives…

We need to stop saying sorry for things that we didn’t do or have no control over.

For example when somebody says “can you help me with this?” and what we really mean is “oh, I wish, I could I can’t for this reason” or “oh shoot, unfortunately…” instead we say “I’m sorry, I can’t…” and it means that we’re taking ownership or accountability for something we didn’t cause or do.

There are numerous articles, blogs, vlogs etc… about the overuse of sorry and it’s unintended consequences. Here are a few:

• You seem insecure/uncertain; telegraphing a lack of confidence is not an effective way to get people to believe in you.
• When you really are sorry, there’s no “umph” behind your apology – you’re always sorry…
• People lose respect for you – I don’t believe it’s even an overt thing, I think it’s just like water on a stone, you train them to think less of you. 
• It’s annoying
• and perhaps most importantly – you’re undermining your own confidence, you’re constantly telling your self-conscious that you are a screw-up…stop that! ❤

I’m certainly not bringing up some new, earth shattering discovery – overusing sorry is so common that there’s an app for that – literally! Gmail has a plug-in to catch overly apologetic or undermining language…I’m a chronic apologizer and I need to do something about it, so I thought we can do it together 😉 

Start paying attention when you apologize. What is the trigger? For me I notice it’s automatic in conversation, I don’t do it much when writing so that’s an indication that I’m not even aware of it, it’s just happening on autopilot. It’s often a way to deflect conflict, or avoid looking rude.

Here are some things I’m going to start saying instead.

• Say thank you if it’s possible to turn it around (see the original cartoons, they’re really cute!)
  • Thank you for listening, vs. sorry for rambling
  • Thank you for spending time with me, vs. sorry I’m a drag
  • Thank you for making time for me, vs. sorry I’ve been hard to connect with.
• Acknowledge the conflict (calendar or otherwise)
  • Unfortunately I have plans vs. I’m sorry I have plans (by the way, plans can be to read a book, sleep in, do nothing…)
  • That’s sounds really frustrating vs. I’m sorry traffic was so bad
  • Pardon me vs. I’m sorry (when we bump into someone, or they bump into us)
• Say nothing! 
  • Elevator door closes as someone is walking up…you don’t have to say anything!
  • Spouse, co-worker, child, neighbor is venting about some frustration…let them vent! Apologizing or trying to fix takes away from them – it knocks down their feelings and makes it about your discomfort…
  • You’re a few minutes late for a non-critical appointment – say nothing, or if the circumstances require an acknowledgement – thank you for being patient, I appreciate your flexibility, thank you for understanding…

As I’m writing this I’m also realizing that another benefit of not saying sorry for things that are a) not your fault or b) not a true need for apology we’re putting other folks in the uncomfortable position of having to “forgive” us for something that they likely don’t see a need for forgiving. If we say thank you we give them gratitude and the opportunity to feel gracious/generous for something we needed (a 5 minute buffer, a sounding board, a blind eye to our crankiness) and we’re acknowledging something that that they gave us. If we say nothing then we’re avoiding creating an awkwardness where one is not needed.  Given that chronic apologizers are often doing it to avoid ruffling feathers, everyone wins when we’re more deliberate in how we wield the sorry sword! 🌻

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If you’d like a more in depth article on this topic, I really liked this one – Why You Over-Apologize and How to Stop.

 

My new mantra: no attachment, no fear…

I wrestle with fear. It’s pretty much always kinda hanging out, waiting for a trigger to give it a good excuse to pop up, so even when I’m not “in fear” I am anxious about the lurking fear…🤦‍♀️

I did some research (Googled, clicked the first semi-relevant link) and found this definition:

Fear is one of the seven universal emotions experienced by everyone around the world. Fear arises with the threat of harm, either physical, emotional, or psychological, real or imagined. While traditionally considered a “negative” emotion, fear actually serves an important role in keeping us safe as it mobilizes us to cope with potential danger. (Paul Ekman Group) 

Interesting…when I dig into it I can see that most of my fears are tied to a fear of loss. I don’t have a lot of fear of physical harm – I mean yes, if I’m truly at risk (being robbed, bungee jumping, oh – and the dark…) I’ll feel fear but the general “lurking” fear is not physical. It seems to be emotional, or psychological, which when I break it down appears to be due to attachment.

So – I’m thinking, if I can release attachment, I can release fear.

Totally, that’s so easy, right ?!?! 🤪

My first instinct was to “make a list of the things I’m attached to”. Hmmm… I’m attached to outcomes, places, jobs…you can see the problem, I’m attached to A LOT!!! Well – that’s daunting. Okay, what if we investigate how to release attachment in general?

This article was interesting – the approach is releasing the attachment to a specific outcome, which leaves room for the best outcome…3 main points:

• You have an internal core of infinite compassion and calm, allow that part of yourself to comfort the part that is afraid to release the attachment.
• Keep an open mind. Getting laser focused on a specific outcome creates a feeling of scarcity.
• Ask for more…uggg…oh wait, it’s not asking another person for more, it’s visualizing having 3 job offers, not 1, or the freedom to travel vs being in one place…
• This is intriguing… “If your mind is focused on solving the problem of choosing between or managing multiple good options, however, it will assume that the task is easy for you and it will redirect its efforts to something much more useful: getting really creative. It will be less fear-oriented and more opportunity-oriented. It will relax because its new problem is an embarrassment of riches.” hmm…envision having options.

Those are some pretty good ideas re: letting go of attachment to outcomes / things…what about releasing attachment to people? I keep digging and found an article on that topic – this line struck me: “It is not simple thing to let go of attachment. It is not a one-time decision. Instead, it’s a day-to-day commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact.” (https://online-psychology.net/en/how-to-let-go/). That’s the theme with all of this stuff isn’t it? If you want different outcomes, you have to practice different behavior.

The article, and my thoughts below are more geared toward a romantic relationship, but being overly dependent on another person shows up in parent / child relationships, siblings, friends and even colleagues.

Here are some suggestions.

• Be your best friend – this one is about finding your self-worth/value internally vs from others, which as the author points out enables “you relate to people—not just how they make you feel about yourself.” – that’s a huge one for me. I’m often evaluating how another person will respond to me vs how I’m feeling about something. It’s important to note, this isn’t “learn to be alone” which is also necessary, but for me, I’ve got that pretty well covered – almost too well, I’m often finding that like Greta Garbo in Grand Hotel “I want to be alone” …😉

• Justify less – notice when you’re letting your thoughts turn your fears into a “fact”…”I can’t do this by myself”. Yes you can, and when you start getting stuck in that fearful loop shift your thoughts to examples from your own life or the lives of people you know who are doing just fine by themselves.

• Hold lightly – “…remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.” Yes! Definitely for romantic relationships but crucial for parent / child too. We all need space to be our own independent, self-sufficient beings. One thought I just had is that by not overtly doing your own thing you may unintentionally squeeze another person. If you’re always there, they don’t have any space and they may not realize that you’re not there due to a discomfort of being away from them but by a desire to be in that physical space…consider how you can “make your own space” in the presence of others – particularly during COVID as we are all underfoot for one another all the time ❤ 🧘 .

As I do my morning exercises/meditation I’ve be practicing saying “no attachment, no fear” …I’m also keeping a 30 day diary to help keep these ideas in mind. They say you can create new habits in about 21 days, let’s see what happens!! 🌅

Keep the kudos and mementos!

When we get congratulations at work or sweet cards from friends, family, spouses we often read them, smile and toss them.

I completely understand why –  if you keep everything forever it would become a hoarding/fire hazard – but hear me out.

Find a few to keep, maybe make a limit and use a one in/one out approach, or take a picture and store in an online album. However you do it, find a way to keep some.

You’ll need them one day. You’ll get a terrible review, or unexpectedly get laid off, or have an awful fight.

These mementos will act as touchstones. They’ll remind you of the times that you were really valued at work or the sweet years before the teen years or the tender connections with your spouse. Sometimes mementos are helpful in showing us how far things have evolved – maybe it is time to find a new position or let a friend go; but either way the momentos will let you do it with confidence, kindness and grace.

In general we are not encouraged to develop behaviors that help keep our emotional cores strong. Our society tends to teach us that keeping mementos is sappy or egotistical. I’m suggesting that instead they’re an opportunity to tap into those powerful feelings of self worth, intrinsic value, being appreciated. Those things were given with an intention of lifting you up, of recognizing your contributions, and they can be an effective way to recharge you when you need it.

And while you’re at it; give kudos and mementos. Even if every time you do they get thrown out, or you don’t get an acknowledgement – because one day, one of those little touchstones you handed out is going to mean the world to someone! (When you get them, I’d love you to at least say thank you 🙂 ).

That’s it – this is such as easy one! All you have to do is be willing to receive (and keep a few) gifts of admiration, and hand a few out as well …now I know there are lots of reasons why this isn’t as easy as it sounds, but I have faith in you, I know you can do this! ❤ 🌻

PS – as it happens, this is posting on Valentines’ Day…seem apropos 😀

That behavior is not because of you, it’s in spite of you…

So often when we encounter “toxic” behavior from a partner, friend, co-worker etc… we assume that it’s something we’ve triggered, or we cut them slack for “having a bad day”. I definitely believe it’s important to look at our own possible contributions or the context – but if it’s a pattern then it’s not because of you, but in spite of you.

When we treat negative behavior with kindness or forgiveness and we get more of it in return it can feel like there’s something that we’re doing that’s generating a cranky response. As I get more trips around the sun, and I encounter more humans, I have more chances to make observations and it struck me the other day that this stuff is not a response to us (or others) it’s got nothing to do with us. It’s going to happen regardless of our behavior or reaction because that person is stuck in their own pattern. Sometimes they even want to develop a new pattern, but in spite of how much they enjoy our company, their ingrained responses persist.

Thank you for resisting the temptation to respond to this epiphany with “umm…ya…that’s not new” 😉  to me what’s new is the way of thinking about it. I have known for years that it was not because of me (or you or whoever), but I hadn’t considered that is was also in spite of me – in that, no matter what that person was going to have those reactions.

Anyway, when we continually encounter this kind of behavior, in multiple types of relationships, it often leads us to start thinking “What’s wrong with me? Why do I attract these types of people?”. Particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. I have a friend who would say “my picker is broken” – but remember this stuff is going to happen no matter what. No matter what you say or do, and often to the dismay of the other person, despite their best intentions, so it’s how we respond to that behavior that is be important part. 

I saw a post the other day that resonated:”It’s not that you’re attracting toxic people, toxic people aren’t picky, they go to everyone, you letting them stay is the issue that needs to be worked on“. So it’s not that “your picker is broken”, you’re not somehow causing this, it’s in spite of you. The only thing you can control is what your boundaries are. 

Our boundaries need to vary based on the type of relationship, the level of toxicity and the impact it has on us. One concern I have about the growing general awareness of “toxic behavior” is we are starting to label everything as toxic. That’s why I’ve be using other words too – negative, grumpy, cranky, ill-tempered, rude, unkind…etc… I believe we have to be careful about this because the current wisdom around handling toxicity is amputation and I don’t think that’s always a necessary or practical option. Yes, if the behavior is truly toxic/abusive then do not hesitate, make a plan, and leave. Never stay in a dangerous environment – this page offers options if you’re at risk and need help.

So, assuming it’s irritating or hurtful behavior, you can draw boundaries and say no to unacceptable words or actions. Here are some suggestions:

1. Really figure out what your boundaries are, and why. You need to know this so you can stick to them and because the other person may surprise you if they know how a particular thing affects you. Some people simply are not bothered by the things that bother you, and they’ll be astonished to know it is a really big deal to you.
2. Decide what your “do not cross” thresholds are and depending on the situation, communicate that to the other person. I don’t mean as an ultimatum, more as a “I need X” or “how can we work together so I can have Y”. 
3. Evaluate why you see certain things as “toxic”. I have some deep seated insecurities that can cause me to view other actions as “mean” that aren’t, they just push my buttons. And on the flip side, I have some people pleasing traits that can cause me to be overly accepting so it’s important to know what and why. Big caveat here, if you tell the other person and they don’t try to change that behavior, or worse, applify it – I’d suggest that’s a “do not cross”.
4. Identify the things that put you in touch with your inner core. Yoga, reading, extreme sports, time with love ones or other “allies”…make a point of giving yourself that support. I have weak boundaries when my emotional / physical reserves are empty.  
5. If this is a long term relationship (marriage, familial, childhood friend…) see if you can have a conversation about how to put it back on track and what you each need. I’m emphasizing each because so much of that “common wisdom” stuff out there casts the other person as the bad guy. Sometimes they are – and if so, as above, make a plan and get out. But if they’re just a flawed human like the rest of us, then some of their behavior is due to their own stuff and the path to a smoother friendship, marriage, etc…is by being able to hear what they need, not just wanting them to hear what you need.

Above all else – Be brave. Speak your truth. It’s so hard to be that vulnerable, and doing it when already feeling raw or exposed is even harder, but you can do this 👏👏👏 ❤️

Have an amazing day, and go do something to fill your personal well 🌈 🌻