Tired of being unappreciated? Stop volunteering…

So I’m opening this with a quote that hit me like a lighting bolt:

“Burnout often results from unconscious ways we show consideration without checking what’s called for, or even whether anything is really needed at all.

Our instincts to please and avoid displeasing, to be liked and not disliked, to be attractive and appealing and agreeable and approved of — those instincts have us be considerate at times when being INCONSIDERATE, being LESS considerate, would work better.” – Alison Armstrong“

I first encountered Alison during the “Sex in the City” phase of my life. Late 20s and the majority of my focus was on men and how could I find one that would make me happy, complete, etc…

Alison had a lot to say that resonated with me and I found much of it applied to romantic relationships but also to life.

I’ve continued to go back to her writings and thoughts when I need a little grounding.

The quote I opened with smacked me between the eyes the other day.

OH!!! Wow. Yup. Queue aggravated husband. “Do you have to be so helpful all the time” or little voice in my head complaining about getting stuck with the stuff no one else is doing at work or rolling my eyes at loading the dish washer again.

Trust me, this could be a LONG list – but at the core of it – the cause of my not feeling appreciated is I’m doing things without being asked and I’m mad that I’m not being showered with gratitude. In fact, outrageously!, sometimes I’m even rewarded with annoyance 😠 The nerve of some people!!

I was really quite pleased after I read that and realized the truth of that statement for me. It gave me a reminder…and possibly permission? to be less considerate!

This isn’t about being rude, but it is about waiting to be asked before volunteering. It’s about having the courtesy to mind your own business and giving others the freedom to make their own choices. Most people will ask for help if they want/need it.

Step back, observe more, act less. I’ll bet you feel less burnt out and the people around you will appreciate the space 🌻💞

When do we stop telling our story?…

On a flight today I overheard a conversation that sounded so much like many conversations I’ve had about myself.

It was focused on the journey of the person I was overhearing… okay… eavesdropping on…anyway…

He was focused on his story and his healing and how the actions of his parents contributed to his trials and triumphs.

I also overheard that he was 50 so I started wondering – do we ever reach a point where we’ve explored enough, told our story enough, that we’re free to let it go?

I think I’m closer to that than I’ve been in the past, I’m questioning less and at peace more. I’m seeking fewer answers. I’m still curious and interested in the world but, slowly, less in a “how does this effect me” way.

At a party someone asked “what do you think happens after you die” and I said “that’s it, you die, return to the earth.” He was shocked and said “you must be a really young soul”… I thought maybe it means I just don’t feel a sense of being incomplete, of needing to believe I get a “do-over”.

For much of my life I’ve felt misunderstood or overlooked and yes, I have a reasonably good idea of why 🙃 The nice thing is I’m starting to feel like it is less important for you to understand me, and more interesting to talk about you 🤗

So, I wish I could give you a formula for how this happened because I know a lot of us are trying to figure out how do we carry less and just “be” more.

Thinking about it I believe it’s a mix of things.

Definitely time exploring and discussing your journey – personally I believe a good therapist is invaluable for this

Self reflection and accountability – being truly honest about when you’re avoiding responsibility AND when you’re taking someone else’s stuff on

Awareness – being conscious enough of your inner monologue to redirect or stop self criticism and dwelling

Permission! Allowing yourself to let go, release, be imperfect, flawed.

Love – yourself, just as you are 😘

I think we’re fabulous, you and me! This just reminded me of a note my Mom had on her fridge for years:

“Get out there and take a dancing, joyous, kick at the day” ❤️🌻🌈

The all or nothing folks were wrong…

I came of age (…what does that actually mean? I am not sure I am truly “of age” yet but…we’ll go with it) any way – during the time of my life where I was forming an understanding of the expectations of adulthood and success the driving themes were:

Work hard, play hard; fortune favors the bold; give it all you got…the heros were full of grit and determination. I’m sure part of that was where I grew up, but also when I grew up. Let’s put it this way, I think I’ve seen every Rocky movie – and that’s not really my genre – but it was my generation, and Eye of the Tiger still makes me stand up straight…okay, so now that you’re ready to get me a walker… here’s my point.

That message was don’t quit, give it your all, sacrifice everything for victory.

There are a lot of things I haven’t done or attempted because I knew I didn’t have the natural talent to master them and / or the time to learn them.

Recently I saw a post that said something to the effect of “anything worth doing is worth doing badly” as in – it’s better to give it a go than it is to buy into “if you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all” mentality. That was so freeing! I’ve been messing up all sorts of things every since…kidding 😁 but what I am serious about is I’ve been much comfortable with the idea that some is better than none.

• 10 minutes of yoga
• 1 paragraph in a post
• A quick “I love you” or “I’m thinking about you”
• An email back to that colleague that says where they can find what they need, vs you going on an expedition to get it for them (unless it’s your job…)

There are times that perfection matters; but more often than not it’s just some message we unconsciously absorbed and now we don’t have a gauge that tells us when to apply that level of rigor and when to let it go.

I had a boss / friend who use to say “that’s not the thing” when I, she, someone else in our work circle / friend circle got stuck on making something exactly right.

Here’s a way to test yourself on how much perfection is needed – I have realized that I REALLY procrastinate if it’s not critical and if I’m feeling pressure to do it just right. I don’t take public yoga classes because I don’t understand the names of the poses; I don’t write these posts when I’m not “flowing”; I avoid emails at work when I feel like I don’t have time to “do it well”. Start asking yourself “do I really not have time (which is my personal red flag for avoidance) or am I just dodging it”.

Change from “give it all you’ve got” to “give it what it needs” or “give it what you can”. 🌻 🌈

Progress vs Perfection…

I can’t believe this topic hasn’t come up yet! (I did search my old posts, I don’t think we’ve talked about this before… although that’s a consistent fear, that I’m repeating myself…I do that 🤓 😆 )

This phrase actually came from a co-worker. I was very intense, and had a mindset of “everything must be done on time, exactly right, “hard” isn’t a good reason for late or incomplete work”. That’s all well and good when you’re only doing that to yourself (actually, not really, just that’s another topic…) but it’s a super problematic point of view when you are a leader. People will do LESS due to a fear of doing it wrong and getting criticized, or just out of a reasonable obstinance to being bullied. I had this “push through” point of view for years – it was how I approached my work and how I expected others to approach theirs. I did have people push back, and mentors/bosses try to coach me but the push back sounded like excuses for mediocrity to my pleaser brain. The weird contradiction here is what often leads to perfectionism is a desire to be liked, accepted, to please – and the outcome is usually the complete opposite.

I was lucky enough to work with a fellow who was either super effective at getting through to stubborn people or I was finally old enough to be able to “hear” the message – maybe a mix of both?!?! his mantra was “progress, not perfection”.

BRILLIANT! And people responded to it! They started being willing to take risks, to work toward personal and team objectives that previously they’d said were too hard, impossible or didn’t even acknowledge – just totally avoided! And I found that I was getting as much done, without being tied in knots all the time – I was even taking a stab at stuff I’d avoided because I knew I’d be bad at it.

This is certainly still a struggle for me; I have to remind myself that I’m learning and growing – and that others are too. I recently started a new job and I’m working hard at remembering that any forward movement, or even an attempt at forward movement, is progress. Perfection comes with patience and practice.

I’m writing this from a work lens but it applies equally to personal goals – around hobbies, health, relationships – literally everything we attempt to do in our lives, if we can think “progress, not perfection” I guarantee, you’ll make some!

Short and sweet today – go try something new, or take a crack at something you’d given up on, or change how you talk to your team, child, friend, spouse… ❤