I lost my voice…

A friend asked me today if I’d posted recently because she hadn’t seen any notifications.

I said “no, because I’ve been wrestling with what to say/write”. I started Wisdom of Friends because I wanted to share “a ha” moments that I, or my connections, experienced with the intent that our “a ha” moments may be beneficial to others.

Lately I haven’t had a ton of those moments and I’ve been working on figuring that out so I could possibly share that learning too!

I’m torn between a) I’m not having them because I’m in a bit of a stagnant period and b) I’m not having as many because I’m in a period of acceptance.

As an example – I’m feeling less (albeit not zero) of a need to analyze (dwell) on the bond to the people in my life, and also less of a need to “chase” connection. That sounds and feels like acceptance.

On the flip side, I find myself a little blah, not highly motivated (driven), pretty much in a “let it ride” mood. That sounds a little bit like mild depression (or what has been an indication of mild depression for me in the past).

But generally I’m not feeling a need to “fix” myself or my life. I’m not feeling like I need to “dig into” anything – which means I’m not finding as many “a ha!” nuggets and I have less angst that I want to offload with writing.

All this means I haven’t had a ton to say, and I’m not sure yet if that’s good of bad, but I’ll let your know when I figure it out 💞

So – if I have a take away to share it’s sometimes I believe it’s alright to drift. I had a chance to float on a drift boat on a river and learned that if you stay out of the weeds and pay gentle attention to what’s around you, you can have a pretty amazing day. Check out these 2 moose calves I saw that day – simply by drifting 🌻🌈

And thank you my friend for asking 😘

When do we stop telling our story?…

On a flight today I overheard a conversation that sounded so much like many conversations I’ve had about myself.

It was focused on the journey of the person I was overhearing… okay… eavesdropping on…anyway…

He was focused on his story and his healing and how the actions of his parents contributed to his trials and triumphs.

I also overheard that he was 50 so I started wondering – do we ever reach a point where we’ve explored enough, told our story enough, that we’re free to let it go?

I think I’m closer to that than I’ve been in the past, I’m questioning less and at peace more. I’m seeking fewer answers. I’m still curious and interested in the world but, slowly, less in a “how does this effect me” way.

At a party someone asked “what do you think happens after you die” and I said “that’s it, you die, return to the earth.” He was shocked and said “you must be a really young soul”… I thought maybe it means I just don’t feel a sense of being incomplete, of needing to believe I get a “do-over”.

For much of my life I’ve felt misunderstood or overlooked and yes, I have a reasonably good idea of why 🙃 The nice thing is I’m starting to feel like it is less important for you to understand me, and more interesting to talk about you 🤗

So, I wish I could give you a formula for how this happened because I know a lot of us are trying to figure out how do we carry less and just “be” more.

Thinking about it I believe it’s a mix of things.

Definitely time exploring and discussing your journey – personally I believe a good therapist is invaluable for this

Self reflection and accountability – being truly honest about when you’re avoiding responsibility AND when you’re taking someone else’s stuff on

Awareness – being conscious enough of your inner monologue to redirect or stop self criticism and dwelling

Permission! Allowing yourself to let go, release, be imperfect, flawed.

Love – yourself, just as you are 😘

I think we’re fabulous, you and me! This just reminded me of a note my Mom had on her fridge for years:

“Get out there and take a dancing, joyous, kick at the day” ❤️🌻🌈

The all or nothing folks were wrong…

I came of age (…what does that actually mean? I am not sure I am truly “of age” yet but…we’ll go with it) any way – during the time of my life where I was forming an understanding of the expectations of adulthood and success the driving themes were:

Work hard, play hard; fortune favors the bold; give it all you got…the heros were full of grit and determination. I’m sure part of that was where I grew up, but also when I grew up. Let’s put it this way, I think I’ve seen every Rocky movie – and that’s not really my genre – but it was my generation, and Eye of the Tiger still makes me stand up straight…okay, so now that you’re ready to get me a walker… here’s my point.

That message was don’t quit, give it your all, sacrifice everything for victory.

There are a lot of things I haven’t done or attempted because I knew I didn’t have the natural talent to master them and / or the time to learn them.

Recently I saw a post that said something to the effect of “anything worth doing is worth doing badly” as in – it’s better to give it a go than it is to buy into “if you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all” mentality. That was so freeing! I’ve been messing up all sorts of things every since…kidding 😁 but what I am serious about is I’ve been much comfortable with the idea that some is better than none.

• 10 minutes of yoga
• 1 paragraph in a post
• A quick “I love you” or “I’m thinking about you”
• An email back to that colleague that says where they can find what they need, vs you going on an expedition to get it for them (unless it’s your job…)

There are times that perfection matters; but more often than not it’s just some message we unconsciously absorbed and now we don’t have a gauge that tells us when to apply that level of rigor and when to let it go.

I had a boss / friend who use to say “that’s not the thing” when I, she, someone else in our work circle / friend circle got stuck on making something exactly right.

Here’s a way to test yourself on how much perfection is needed – I have realized that I REALLY procrastinate if it’s not critical and if I’m feeling pressure to do it just right. I don’t take public yoga classes because I don’t understand the names of the poses; I don’t write these posts when I’m not “flowing”; I avoid emails at work when I feel like I don’t have time to “do it well”. Start asking yourself “do I really not have time (which is my personal red flag for avoidance) or am I just dodging it”.

Change from “give it all you’ve got” to “give it what it needs” or “give it what you can”. 🌻 🌈

Uncomfortable being at ease…

I’ve been wrestling with what to write about. My goal is one post a week and I’m annoyed with myself for falling behind but last week I got busy and this week I’ve been drawing a blank.

I’m really uncomfortable right now. My work contract ended and until I get a new contract I don’t have true structure (other than working on finding a new contract). I can do anything I want. I can sleep in, take a nap, read a book, go for a swim, have a glass of wine… I’ve worked out our budget and as long as we don’t get silly we’re fine financially. 

And I have a constant knot in my stomach 😖  It’s hard for me to concentrate because I’ve got this little ball of anxiety. If I try to read or watch TV my mind wanders. I can do more exercise but its hot, and I don’t want to LOL.  I’m afraid if I don’t stay focused on finding a new gig then it will get harder and harder to get one. (I do have a few interviews this week🤞).

I’ve always known that a big part of the desire to keep working is to make it easier to do the things I want without worrying about budget because while yes, we have what we need to live and have a pretty comfortable life, I want to do things like plan trips with my girl friends, live in Portugal for a few months with my husband, build an office so I can move out of our guest room… I recently wrote one of my Storyworth posts about how I managed my budget when I had the least money in my life, and the main takeaway was “I kept improving my career prospects until I didn’t really have to budget…” so now I don’t want to give up that freedom, but I want to live in Mexico with my husband, and visit my friends – so, I need to make an income, problem solved! 

That being said, I’m realizing that a big part of the driver to work is to have that structure, that sense of purpose, a to do list. I am uncomfortable being idle, or “at ease”. My brain starts whirring on the things that could go wrong and then my anxiety ramps up and I’m tense, irritable and not much fun to be around. I’ve been sure that the unease was just about finances but if the math works, and it does, then it’s more than that. I think it’s what so many of the “experts” talk about. If you grew up in a certain state then that’s your natural resting state and you don’t know how to be anything else.

My childhood home was tense. It was tense about money. It was tense about unfulfilled ambitions. It was tense about unmet expectations. I don’t recall either of my parents ever seeming at ease or content. I’m sure there were moments but if I picture my home I don’t see my Mom or Dad quietly enjoying an individual activity, or treasuring time together – even if one was reading a book and the other was writing or watching TV. I read a lot but that was primarily an escape. Ever book lead to a fantasy of when I was off living an exciting life, either solving mysteries, visiting exotic locations or engaging with fascinating people who found me exceptional. So idle time for all three of us was limited and when it did exist it was often exploring or escaping from angst…huh…well, now that I’ve got a framework for my theory I’ll have to test it.

Let’s see if I can find a way to simply be comfortable with things being okay. I’m still going to look for another gig, but I’ll practice enjoying the flexibility without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ll drop an update in the future after I’ve sat with this for a little while….maybe 3 months, let’s see if I can practice enjoyment without anxiety for 3 months, that seems like a big challenge right now, but if it works, it will be worth it! 🌈  🌻