A friend asked me today if I’d posted recently because she hadn’t seen any notifications.
I said “no, because I’ve been wrestling with what to say/write”. I started Wisdom of Friends because I wanted to share “a ha” moments that I, or my connections, experienced with the intent that our “a ha” moments may be beneficial to others.
Lately I haven’t had a ton of those moments and I’ve been working on figuring that out so I could possibly share that learning too!
I’m torn between a) I’m not having them because I’m in a bit of a stagnant period and b) I’m not having as many because I’m in a period of acceptance.
As an example – I’m feeling less (albeit not zero) of a need to analyze (dwell) on the bond to the people in my life, and also less of a need to “chase” connection. That sounds and feels like acceptance.
On the flip side, I find myself a little blah, not highly motivated (driven), pretty much in a “let it ride” mood. That sounds a little bit like mild depression (or what has been an indication of mild depression for me in the past).
But generally I’m not feeling a need to “fix” myself or my life. I’m not feeling like I need to “dig into” anything – which means I’m not finding as many “a ha!” nuggets and I have less angst that I want to offload with writing.
All this means I haven’t had a ton to say, and I’m not sure yet if that’s good of bad, but I’ll let your know when I figure it out 💞
So – if I have a take away to share it’s sometimes I believe it’s alright to drift. I had a chance to float on a drift boat on a river and learned that if you stay out of the weeds and pay gentle attention to what’s around you, you can have a pretty amazing day. Check out these 2 moose calves I saw that day – simply by drifting 🌻🌈
On a flight today I overheard a conversation that sounded so much like many conversations I’ve had about myself.
It was focused on the journey of the person I was overhearing… okay… eavesdropping on…anyway…
He was focused on his story and his healing and how the actions of his parents contributed to his trials and triumphs.
I also overheard that he was 50 so I started wondering – do we ever reach a point where we’ve explored enough, told our story enough, that we’re free to let it go?
I think I’m closer to that than I’ve been in the past, I’m questioning less and at peace more. I’m seeking fewer answers. I’m still curious and interested in the world but, slowly, less in a “how does this effect me” way.
At a party someone asked “what do you think happens after you die” and I said “that’s it, you die, return to the earth.” He was shocked and said “you must be a really young soul”… I thought maybe it means I just don’t feel a sense of being incomplete, of needing to believe I get a “do-over”.
For much of my life I’ve felt misunderstood or overlooked and yes, I have a reasonably good idea of why 🙃 The nice thing is I’m starting to feel like it is less important for you to understand me, and more interesting to talk about you 🤗
So, I wish I could give you a formula for how this happened because I know a lot of us are trying to figure out how do we carry less and just “be” more.
Thinking about it I believe it’s a mix of things.
Definitely time exploring and discussing your journey – personally I believe a good therapist is invaluable for this
Self reflection and accountability – being truly honest about when you’re avoiding responsibility AND when you’re taking someone else’s stuff on
Awareness – being conscious enough of your inner monologue to redirect or stop self criticism and dwelling
Permission! Allowing yourself to let go, release, be imperfect, flawed.
Love – yourself, just as you are 😘
I think we’re fabulous, you and me! This just reminded me of a note my Mom had on her fridge for years:
“Get out there and take a dancing, joyous, kick at the day” ❤️🌻🌈
I’ve been wrestling with what to write about. My goal is one post a week and I’m annoyed with myself for falling behind but last week I got busy and this week I’ve been drawing a blank.
I’m really uncomfortable right now. My work contract ended and until I get a new contract I don’t have true structure (other than working on finding a new contract). I can do anything I want. I can sleep in, take a nap, read a book, go for a swim, have a glass of wine… I’ve worked out our budget and as long as we don’t get silly we’re fine financially.
And I have a constant knot in my stomach 😖 It’s hard for me to concentrate because I’ve got this little ball of anxiety. If I try to read or watch TV my mind wanders. I can do more exercise but its hot, and I don’t want to LOL. I’m afraid if I don’t stay focused on finding a new gig then it will get harder and harder to get one. (I do have a few interviews this week🤞).
I’ve always known that a big part of the desire to keep working is to make it easier to do the things I want without worrying about budget because while yes, we have what we need to live and have a pretty comfortable life, I want to do things like plan trips with my girl friends, live in Portugal for a few months with my husband, build an office so I can move out of our guest room… I recently wrote one of my Storyworth posts about how I managed my budget when I had the least money in my life, and the main takeaway was “I kept improving my career prospects until I didn’t really have to budget…” so now I don’t want to give up that freedom, but I want to live in Mexico with my husband, and visit my friends – so, I need to make an income, problem solved!
That being said, I’m realizing that a big part of the driver to work is to have that structure, that sense of purpose, a to do list. I am uncomfortable being idle, or “at ease”. My brain starts whirring on the things that could go wrong and then my anxiety ramps up and I’m tense, irritable and not much fun to be around. I’ve been sure that the unease was just about finances but if the math works, and it does, then it’s more than that. I think it’s what so many of the “experts” talk about. If you grew up in a certain state then that’s your natural resting state and you don’t know how to be anything else.
My childhood home was tense. It was tense about money. It was tense about unfulfilled ambitions. It was tense about unmet expectations. I don’t recall either of my parents ever seeming at ease or content. I’m sure there were moments but if I picture my home I don’t see my Mom or Dad quietly enjoying an individual activity, or treasuring time together – even if one was reading a book and the other was writing or watching TV. I read a lot but that was primarily an escape. Ever book lead to a fantasy of when I was off living an exciting life, either solving mysteries, visiting exotic locations or engaging with fascinating people who found me exceptional. So idle time for all three of us was limited and when it did exist it was often exploring or escaping from angst…huh…well, now that I’ve got a framework for my theory I’ll have to test it.
Let’s see if I can find a way to simply be comfortable with things being okay. I’m still going to look for another gig, but I’ll practice enjoying the flexibility without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ll drop an update in the future after I’ve sat with this for a little while….maybe 3 months, let’s see if I can practice enjoyment without anxiety for 3 months, that seems like a big challenge right now, but if it works, it will be worth it! 🌈 🌻
Do you ever find yourself annoyed that you’re doing more than your share? At work, at home, in friendships?
If you do – how to you know that you’re doing more than your share? You can’t measure it unless you’re counting – and if you’re counting – you’re scorekeeping.
Most of us have some general awareness that scorekeeping is something to avoid in relationships. And in this context, I mean the umbrella world – all connections (for now we’ll limit it to humans, but people sometimes do it with other “family members” (pets) too!)
Anyway – if you’re reading this you’re exploring self-development, which means you’ve likely encountered the concept. To test my theory that it’s a pretty well-explored topic, I Googled it – 3rd choice on the predictive text and +1M posts) Here’s proof:
By this point, you probably already know that scorekeeping not a great idea and have decided not to do it – and if you’re like me, you’re very proud of how in tune you are and pat yourself on the back at this evidence of your evolution…
Then one evening, you find yourself ticked off that you’re doing the dishes, and it’s not your turn, or you made dinner or you made the printouts for the last meeting, or took notes, or whatever. And your spouse, roomate, sister, co-worker, boss is just “sitting there doing nothing” and it’s not your turn and you’re doing more…yup, scorekeeping!
Drat!!! The interesting thing, is when I realized that I was scorekeeping I was able to shift my thoughts to all the things I appreciated that my husband had been doing for us. It’s also made me more aware that I can subconsciously get very transactional – I will “clear the debt” for a day or week because of the “credits” the other person has earned. Still scorekeeping!
I started exploring some ideas on how to avoid scorekeeping – and I came across this statement “…maybe most importantly, we resort to scorekeeping because we don’t feel entitled to just ask for what we need.” Excerpt from “8 ways to stop scorekeeping in your relationship” – Tamar Chansky That really resonated with me. I don’t ask – not in my marriage, my friendships, work, etc… it is really hard! I don’t want to bother anyone. And in my marriage, or work relationships, where there is some kind of “agreement” and long term commitment, I really struggle to ask – partly not wanting to be a bother, but also “they should just know”.
Here are a few ideas to shift your thinking.
“Exaggerate the moment to absurdity You’d like to have perspective, but sometimes you have to take a detour. First exaggerate and embellish the scene in your head. Flood yourself with it: I guess I’m married to a lazy louse who never ever wants to help out with anything, ever and doesn’t care about me at all. In the vast majority of situations, blowing up the situation in your mind will sound ridiculous and the fever will break. You may chuckle, come to your senses, and ask for help.”
My sense of humor leans toward Faulty Towers / sense of the absurd so this is one that often jolts me out of my pouty spin.
“Scorekeep your own soul” – the post I pulled this from expands on the idea of asking yourself “How good are you being to your partner?”
I’m including it because I can see how it would be useful for many folks – for me this can lead to further scorekeeping 🙂 so I find the below suggestion to be more effective.
“Embrace an abundance model rather than a scarcity model Scorekeeping suggests that if I do, you aren’t doing. It’s an either-or, zerosum proposition — a sense of just enough resources to get by and not enough to go around. An abundance model assumes that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, and that the more each gives the more and more you all have. Trust pervades rather than hostility or pettiness.”
YES!! When I step back and think about the long game, again – not just with marriage but work too – it’s all going to even out in the end. I would much rather the people in my life feel appreciated and valued than know that they “did their share”. There’s all the time in the world, and sometimes the “reciprocation” isn’t even from the person you made your gift to. When you are in an abundance mindset – there’s enough, period.
Well, I feel better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest 🙂 I’ll keep working on losing count and we’ll see how it goes. I’m sure you’ll hear about it – ha! In the meantime, how do you reset the scoreboard in your life?
Wisdom of Friends 