Happy Spouse, Happy House…

It struck me the other day that I’ve been having a tough time over the past year or so. I’m navigating a lot of change:

• Sold our house in CA (I loved that house, and the security it provided)
• Accepted the need to get rid of many belongings with deep sentimental value
• Moved 3 times, one move was to a new country and away from my “community”
• Husband retired and I’m working from home …we’re together a lot
• A lot of travel and home renovations
• And chronologically I must be experiencing some hormonal…flux…(I’m 51) (OK not chronologically alone… if we look at my behavior I’ve been doing some weird stuff…)

I’ve been displaying some undesirable behaviors …Lots of anger, irritability as well as some sleep and weight issues… and through it all I’ve kind of bounced between 2 themes of thought re: solutions:

1. More exercise/meditation will keep me balanced

2. If my husband would do x or stop doing y …things would be easier.

Number 1 is conscious and in the forefront of my mind.

Number 2 was not. It was hidden in snippy remarks and eye rolls about annoyances such as dishes left in the sink or the TV being too loud or socializing.

This of course started leading to arguments and more often than not I would find myself saying things like “well if you would just say blah blah blah or if you would not do blah blah blah we wouldn’t be having this argument.”

After one of those corrective coaching sessions led to my husband saying something to the effect of “I’m tired of always being wrong” a little bell went off in my head and all the sudden I thought “Oh! Wait a minute – how come the rules of our house are dictated by the way I think things should be?”

Why do I care if there are dishes in the sink for a couple of hours? And I’m not talking about a stack of dishes, I’m talking about a coffee cup and a couple of plates. How come paper towels should only be used in certain circumstances and certain quantities? If we don’t have to get up in the morning why can’t we have friends over in the middle of the week? If we do have friends over in the middle of the week and I need to get up earlier than our friends do – why can’t I go to bed?

When I started thinking about it I realized a whole lot of this was driven by a need for stability and security which was being reflected as control.

So much of the above stuff comes also from the same kind of mindset that says “happy wife, happy life” which often is accompanied by a conversation that describes what a wife will or will not “let her husband do”.

I realized I was following rules and scripts that are part of our main stream society; I wasn’t treating myself and my husband is individuals – I was following the pattern that we’ve all been observing since we were little kids.

I don’t want a life that is centered around my husband having to make me happy. I want a life where we both feel loved and appreciated and like we have the space to be who we are.

I believe that if we’re going to have quippy sayings out there to reflect general marriage advice it should be “happy spouse, happy house”! 💞

Update – I drafted this a few months ago and had held off on posting it. I have to say, me taking more responsibility for my point of view is making a difference. Still having “differences of opinion” but fewer and I’m more conscious of when we hit one of my arbitrary rules. Turns out, I have a lot of them. A wonderful side effect is I’m feeling more content and more in control of myself – that’s a very nice feeling 🌻

I lost my voice…

A friend asked me today if I’d posted recently because she hadn’t seen any notifications.

I said “no, because I’ve been wrestling with what to say/write”. I started Wisdom of Friends because I wanted to share “a ha” moments that I, or my connections, experienced with the intent that our “a ha” moments may be beneficial to others.

Lately I haven’t had a ton of those moments and I’ve been working on figuring that out so I could possibly share that learning too!

I’m torn between a) I’m not having them because I’m in a bit of a stagnant period and b) I’m not having as many because I’m in a period of acceptance.

As an example – I’m feeling less (albeit not zero) of a need to analyze (dwell) on the bond to the people in my life, and also less of a need to “chase” connection. That sounds and feels like acceptance.

On the flip side, I find myself a little blah, not highly motivated (driven), pretty much in a “let it ride” mood. That sounds a little bit like mild depression (or what has been an indication of mild depression for me in the past).

But generally I’m not feeling a need to “fix” myself or my life. I’m not feeling like I need to “dig into” anything – which means I’m not finding as many “a ha!” nuggets and I have less angst that I want to offload with writing.

All this means I haven’t had a ton to say, and I’m not sure yet if that’s good of bad, but I’ll let your know when I figure it out 💞

So – if I have a take away to share it’s sometimes I believe it’s alright to drift. I had a chance to float on a drift boat on a river and learned that if you stay out of the weeds and pay gentle attention to what’s around you, you can have a pretty amazing day. Check out these 2 moose calves I saw that day – simply by drifting 🌻🌈

And thank you my friend for asking 😘

A meditation gift! (short and easy :)

Look at what I found 👏👏 I tripped on this ~8 min meditation and I LOVE it.

It’s “deep” enough for those of you with a more developed practice (I think?) and gentle enough for us beginners. The music alone is uplifting and releasing.

Jon Hopkins, with Ram Dass

AND – this showed up in my feed the other day:

“A scientifically controlled study conducted by German researchers at the University of Kassel has shown that while the chest area of an average person emits only 20 photons of light per second, someone who meditates on their heart center and sends love and light to others emits an amazing 100,000 photons per second. That is 5000 times more than the average human being. Numerous studies have also shown that when these photons are infused with a loving and healing intent, their frequency and vibration increases to the point where they can literally change matter, heal disease, and transform negative events.

Ten minutes of meditating on compassion,

on kindness for others,

and you will see its effects all day.

That’s the way to maintain

a calm and joyous mind.”

From The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness

in a Changing World” by Dalai Lama”

When I take these 2 things together I am inspired but not intimidated 🌻

Every time I listen to that meditation I think of how much I want to share it with you, so – here you go! I hope it fills you with love and light 💞

I quit my job!

Old patterns are hard to get rid of. For the past few months I’ve been working in a position that was fraught with politics and dysfunctional toxic behavior.

I’ve been sticking it out because we had expenses to manage and because although I’m working on a plan B, I don’t have all the pieces in place yet

One particularly stressful day I finally made it a priority to look at our household budget as opposed to trying to wrestle the problems of my current project into submission

Doing the math I realized that with the side gig I was working which is a corner stone of Plan B – I didn’t need to keep working at the job that had all issues the I’ve been trying to get away from.

It struck me as I felt this giant sense of relief once I decided to leave that without even realizing it up for the past several months I’ve been living in my old reality versus my new reality.

It just goes to show that the old saying wherever you go, there you are totally applies.

My stress behaviors of being short tempered and irritable, not paying attention to diet and exercise and talking in terms of being trapped or not having a choice have all been showing up.

I realized a couple of pretty cool learnings because I was thinking about all of this.

One – this time I realized in a couple of months that I had choices as opposed to a couple of years!

Two – the reason I had the choice to quit is because I have been actively focused for the past several years on building stability and flexibility into my life that left me room to make better choices for myself.

So … if you’re in a less than optimal situation, take a breath and evaluate.

Do you have options? If so, act on them. If not, start building the foundation to give yourself options. You can pave your own way 🌈💞🌻

“Just be yourself”…

One the most frequent pieces of advice I hear lobbed at me and others as a response to any vocalization of “I want to be recognized for my value” – whether that is a hug, a surprise dinner out, a promotion or a bonus is “just be yourself”.

Well, it’s hard to “be yourself” when you’re figuring out who you are…and it can be a little bit like the process of learning to drive a stick shift…LESS gas, more clutch, more gas, LESS clutch…don’t pop the clutch…and just like with a car, when learning to be ourselves the LESS is often stated emphatically because when you’re testing out your “voice” it can sometimes come out more forcefully than intended.

A current example for me is trying to set boundaries when working remotely in various time zones “I’m not available until 8 AM Central time” is much better than “No, I won’t attend, you scheduled that for the middle of the night here”. Or I will start my morning telling my family “I won’t be available until 4 today” and if I come out to get a glass of water and they say “how’s it going” I’m so concerned I’ll get sucked into something or send a mixed message that I say “I’m busy, can’t talk now” – and so they’re all trained now to not speak to me at all…ah, right… LESS gas…

The catalyst for this post was me realizing how often I find myself wrestling with doubt that I have said or done something that was too honest and it keeps turning out ok!

I see myself as a cheerful, friendly person who is focused on getting the job done but in my desire to be liked, or kind, or non-confrontational I can avoid saying anything until I’m feeling the crunch; then I’m abrupt, pushy and cranky…All of these things are “being myself”! What I’m noticing though is as I keep practicing I am getting better at it. I think I’m actually better at it than I give myself credit for, and I bet you are too.

Most recently these examples have come up at work; where following a “direct” conversation the person then went radio silent and I was left wondering if I’d offended them by being too open. Each time it turned out it wasn’t me, and actually I’ve gotten several compliments from people appreciated my open communication.

So can you guess where I’m going with this? 🙂 Just be yourself! Bearing in mind that you also need to know what you need to be your best self. For me it’s a balance of rest, exercise, work, quiet time and time with loved ones.

Most of us have the same recipe, just in different ratios and ranges. Find a quiet space, or carve 1 minute out during your meditation, yoga, commute, shower…to think about “when do I feel my best”? Really think about it because I sometimes think it’s when I’m getting to lay around reading, doing nothing – and while those moments can be fantastic, often they peak and my “satisfaction” begins to decline. Toss in some yoga, or an hour working on a presentation for work and my energy meter pops back up.

Being myself is not any one thing, it’s a bunch of things. It’s being athletic, successful, kind, funny, hardworking, a loner, a social butterfly, a wife, an individual, a friend, a bookworm, a writer…

I’d love to hear what you made of – what’s your mix? Whatever it is, keep being yourself and trusting in the value you deliver ❤

“It is what it is” vs. “it is what you make it”

I’m a big believer in our individual ability to influence the paths our lives take.

It’s hard for me to be super sympathetic to people who express frustration about their lives and then take no steps to modify things. Sidebar – yes, if you’re doing the best you can to change something and it’s just really hard and you’re looking for support, encouragement, sounding board – I’m a pretty reliable cheerleader – to the point where I have to be careful to not blow right past the “hard” part and focus on the “you can do it part”. And, I realize that not everyone has the same opportunities and that some life circumstances are almost impossible – being born in rural Afghanistan is a pretty significant hurdle.

But if you’ve living in a developed country and you have all your basics covered then yes – whether or not you lose 5 pounds, get additional training (not necessarily college), have more effective boundaries, resolve things with your parents…that’s pretty much on you. Again, not saying it’s overnight, and not saying it’s easy, but I do believe it’s a choice.

This mindset leads me to a pretty tough internal dialogue sometimes (cause when I said I have trouble being sympathetic I mean for myself too!). I get annoyed with the “I was forced to do X” from people who don’t take steps to address things that complicate their lives. A sibling always needs money? If you give it to them, that’s your choice – not their fault. Roped into helping a friend move? Saying yes is on you, not on them for asking. You get my point.

So all that being said, it struck me that I’m living a dichotomy. Because I also really admire “it is what it is” people. These are the folks who are always up for a spur of the moment bar-b-que, who truly make you feel welcome when you pop into town, they’ll often eat anything and talk to strangers, making friends wherever they go.

These folks are often not that worried about retirement planning, whether or not they have healthcare, the latest opinion about caffeine (is it currently bad for you or good for you? I have trouble keeping track) … As I find myself continuing to wrestle with my own uncertainties / fears / anxieties my thinking goes back to the “if you have you basics covered” comment. Maybe when people appear to be complaining about something that from my point of view they’re just too undisciplined to address they’re just venting, or sharing their experience. Maybe they’re not “fixing” it because they don’t see it as a problem, but just part of their experience – “it is what it is”…

When someone comments on the weather being hot I don’t find myself thinking “then why don’t you go inside where it’s air conditioned” or “it’s in your control, move to a cooler climate” – usually I agree or share that I love the heat. So why am I able to see that an observation versus a complaint and yet if someone says “ugg, it’s just so hard to lose weight” as they eat some bread and brie my judgment gets very fired up. It IS hard to lose weight. That’s a legitimate comment. Bread and brie also happen to be the perfect meal…Maybe to an “it is what it is” person those are just 2 different facts, and because they’re not dealing with that inner “it is what you make it” they can just accept both things as true. By the way, the more time I spend being willing to actually listen to “it is what is is” people I find they too have the super judgey little voice(s) – they’re just better at not letting it ruin their day 😀

Anyway, I guess where I’m landing on this is both styles have value and at least for myself, I’m going to work on balancing the two. Enough “it is what you make it” to be motivated, and enough “it is what it is” that I don’t make myself and those around me crazy with “but you can DO something about that”…

Have an amazing day! Thanks for making a little time to be my sounding board – I so appreciate you ❤