It’s never just the rice…

So the other day we had an argument about who was going to watch the rice. It turned into a pretty big disagreement, which I think surprised us both, but of course, it wasn’t about the rice.

It was about listening to one another and understanding unspoken intentions and overlooking gifts.

After we talked through it and I understood what I’d assumed and misunderstood I realized I’d missed an opportunity to accept and appreciate a kindness and it really stuck with me.

How often do we either spurn or ignore gifts from the people in our life because we don’t recognize the packaging?

For example – the complaint you hear from guys about either getting snapped at for holding doors or feeling like they can’t hold a door because it will be misconstrued. Granted there is less debate about this than in the past but a quick Google search still found lots of articles on this, and they were not all dated 2003, so it’s still a bit of a thing.

Or how about “call me (text me) when you get home” – that one gets labelled as controlling, or hovering, but its often just “I love you” – and the person saying it is most likely not intentionally thinking “I’ll say call me instead of I love you”.

These are pretty simple examples but I’m sure if you think of it there are some big ones in your life that you overlook. I think what caught me off guard about the rice is it wasn’t an out of the ordinary thing – we ask each other to help with tasks all the time – what was different was he specifically said “I don’t want to do this, I just did all this other stuff” and I was focused on my own agenda at that moment and brushed it off because it was a 2 minute thing in my mind. I didn’t listen, I assumed, I didn’t ask questions (out loud or even in my own mind).

This is focused on my home life, me and my roommate (husband 😆), because in this post-COVID work-from-home world he still has the lucky distinction of being my primary “observation subject” for my musings but I know from reflection that it’s not purely a romantic partner pitfall.

As we rush about in our day to day lives we (at least I) can get very caught up in our own inner-dialogue and thought processes. We can make a lot of decisions about other people meant, are thinking, are intending and we (as least I 🙃 ) often don’t stop and ask “why” “tell me more” “how can I help” because it’s faster to observe, interpret and move on.

I hope that this is one of those lessons that sticks, that I am successful in staying more mindful of intent, and asking questions, because I am really looking forward to connecting more deeply with the people in my life by making fewer assumptions. I have a walk planned with a friend this weekend, I will practice it then! Challenge yourself, start recognizing the gifts in the stone a small child gives you, or the coffee pot being turned on/refilled, or the empty dishwasher…🌈❤️

Happy Spouse, Happy House…

It struck me the other day that I’ve been having a tough time over the past year or so. I’m navigating a lot of change:

• Sold our house in CA (I loved that house, and the security it provided)
• Accepted the need to get rid of many belongings with deep sentimental value
• Moved 3 times, one move was to a new country and away from my “community”
• Husband retired and I’m working from home …we’re together a lot
• A lot of travel and home renovations
• And chronologically I must be experiencing some hormonal…flux…(I’m 51) (OK not chronologically alone… if we look at my behavior I’ve been doing some weird stuff…)

I’ve been displaying some undesirable behaviors …Lots of anger, irritability as well as some sleep and weight issues… and through it all I’ve kind of bounced between 2 themes of thought re: solutions:

1. More exercise/meditation will keep me balanced

2. If my husband would do x or stop doing y …things would be easier.

Number 1 is conscious and in the forefront of my mind.

Number 2 was not. It was hidden in snippy remarks and eye rolls about annoyances such as dishes left in the sink or the TV being too loud or socializing.

This of course started leading to arguments and more often than not I would find myself saying things like “well if you would just say blah blah blah or if you would not do blah blah blah we wouldn’t be having this argument.”

After one of those corrective coaching sessions led to my husband saying something to the effect of “I’m tired of always being wrong” a little bell went off in my head and all the sudden I thought “Oh! Wait a minute – how come the rules of our house are dictated by the way I think things should be?”

Why do I care if there are dishes in the sink for a couple of hours? And I’m not talking about a stack of dishes, I’m talking about a coffee cup and a couple of plates. How come paper towels should only be used in certain circumstances and certain quantities? If we don’t have to get up in the morning why can’t we have friends over in the middle of the week? If we do have friends over in the middle of the week and I need to get up earlier than our friends do – why can’t I go to bed?

When I started thinking about it I realized a whole lot of this was driven by a need for stability and security which was being reflected as control.

So much of the above stuff comes also from the same kind of mindset that says “happy wife, happy life” which often is accompanied by a conversation that describes what a wife will or will not “let her husband do”.

I realized I was following rules and scripts that are part of our main stream society; I wasn’t treating myself and my husband is individuals – I was following the pattern that we’ve all been observing since we were little kids.

I don’t want a life that is centered around my husband having to make me happy. I want a life where we both feel loved and appreciated and like we have the space to be who we are.

I believe that if we’re going to have quippy sayings out there to reflect general marriage advice it should be “happy spouse, happy house”! 💞

Update – I drafted this a few months ago and had held off on posting it. I have to say, me taking more responsibility for my point of view is making a difference. Still having “differences of opinion” but fewer and I’m more conscious of when we hit one of my arbitrary rules. Turns out, I have a lot of them. A wonderful side effect is I’m feeling more content and more in control of myself – that’s a very nice feeling 🌻

Tired of being unappreciated? Stop volunteering…

So I’m opening this with a quote that hit me like a lighting bolt:

“Burnout often results from unconscious ways we show consideration without checking what’s called for, or even whether anything is really needed at all.

Our instincts to please and avoid displeasing, to be liked and not disliked, to be attractive and appealing and agreeable and approved of — those instincts have us be considerate at times when being INCONSIDERATE, being LESS considerate, would work better.” – Alison Armstrong“

I first encountered Alison during the “Sex in the City” phase of my life. Late 20s and the majority of my focus was on men and how could I find one that would make me happy, complete, etc…

Alison had a lot to say that resonated with me and I found much of it applied to romantic relationships but also to life.

I’ve continued to go back to her writings and thoughts when I need a little grounding.

The quote I opened with smacked me between the eyes the other day.

OH!!! Wow. Yup. Queue aggravated husband. “Do you have to be so helpful all the time” or little voice in my head complaining about getting stuck with the stuff no one else is doing at work or rolling my eyes at loading the dish washer again.

Trust me, this could be a LONG list – but at the core of it – the cause of my not feeling appreciated is I’m doing things without being asked and I’m mad that I’m not being showered with gratitude. In fact, outrageously!, sometimes I’m even rewarded with annoyance 😠 The nerve of some people!!

I was really quite pleased after I read that and realized the truth of that statement for me. It gave me a reminder…and possibly permission? to be less considerate!

This isn’t about being rude, but it is about waiting to be asked before volunteering. It’s about having the courtesy to mind your own business and giving others the freedom to make their own choices. Most people will ask for help if they want/need it.

Step back, observe more, act less. I’ll bet you feel less burnt out and the people around you will appreciate the space 🌻💞

I lost my voice…

A friend asked me today if I’d posted recently because she hadn’t seen any notifications.

I said “no, because I’ve been wrestling with what to say/write”. I started Wisdom of Friends because I wanted to share “a ha” moments that I, or my connections, experienced with the intent that our “a ha” moments may be beneficial to others.

Lately I haven’t had a ton of those moments and I’ve been working on figuring that out so I could possibly share that learning too!

I’m torn between a) I’m not having them because I’m in a bit of a stagnant period and b) I’m not having as many because I’m in a period of acceptance.

As an example – I’m feeling less (albeit not zero) of a need to analyze (dwell) on the bond to the people in my life, and also less of a need to “chase” connection. That sounds and feels like acceptance.

On the flip side, I find myself a little blah, not highly motivated (driven), pretty much in a “let it ride” mood. That sounds a little bit like mild depression (or what has been an indication of mild depression for me in the past).

But generally I’m not feeling a need to “fix” myself or my life. I’m not feeling like I need to “dig into” anything – which means I’m not finding as many “a ha!” nuggets and I have less angst that I want to offload with writing.

All this means I haven’t had a ton to say, and I’m not sure yet if that’s good of bad, but I’ll let your know when I figure it out 💞

So – if I have a take away to share it’s sometimes I believe it’s alright to drift. I had a chance to float on a drift boat on a river and learned that if you stay out of the weeds and pay gentle attention to what’s around you, you can have a pretty amazing day. Check out these 2 moose calves I saw that day – simply by drifting 🌻🌈

And thank you my friend for asking 😘

A meditation gift! (short and easy :)

Look at what I found 👏👏 I tripped on this ~8 min meditation and I LOVE it.

It’s “deep” enough for those of you with a more developed practice (I think?) and gentle enough for us beginners. The music alone is uplifting and releasing.

Jon Hopkins, with Ram Dass

AND – this showed up in my feed the other day:

“A scientifically controlled study conducted by German researchers at the University of Kassel has shown that while the chest area of an average person emits only 20 photons of light per second, someone who meditates on their heart center and sends love and light to others emits an amazing 100,000 photons per second. That is 5000 times more than the average human being. Numerous studies have also shown that when these photons are infused with a loving and healing intent, their frequency and vibration increases to the point where they can literally change matter, heal disease, and transform negative events.

Ten minutes of meditating on compassion,

on kindness for others,

and you will see its effects all day.

That’s the way to maintain

a calm and joyous mind.”

From The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness

in a Changing World” by Dalai Lama”

When I take these 2 things together I am inspired but not intimidated 🌻

Every time I listen to that meditation I think of how much I want to share it with you, so – here you go! I hope it fills you with love and light 💞

When do we stop telling our story?…

On a flight today I overheard a conversation that sounded so much like many conversations I’ve had about myself.

It was focused on the journey of the person I was overhearing… okay… eavesdropping on…anyway…

He was focused on his story and his healing and how the actions of his parents contributed to his trials and triumphs.

I also overheard that he was 50 so I started wondering – do we ever reach a point where we’ve explored enough, told our story enough, that we’re free to let it go?

I think I’m closer to that than I’ve been in the past, I’m questioning less and at peace more. I’m seeking fewer answers. I’m still curious and interested in the world but, slowly, less in a “how does this effect me” way.

At a party someone asked “what do you think happens after you die” and I said “that’s it, you die, return to the earth.” He was shocked and said “you must be a really young soul”… I thought maybe it means I just don’t feel a sense of being incomplete, of needing to believe I get a “do-over”.

For much of my life I’ve felt misunderstood or overlooked and yes, I have a reasonably good idea of why 🙃 The nice thing is I’m starting to feel like it is less important for you to understand me, and more interesting to talk about you 🤗

So, I wish I could give you a formula for how this happened because I know a lot of us are trying to figure out how do we carry less and just “be” more.

Thinking about it I believe it’s a mix of things.

Definitely time exploring and discussing your journey – personally I believe a good therapist is invaluable for this

Self reflection and accountability – being truly honest about when you’re avoiding responsibility AND when you’re taking someone else’s stuff on

Awareness – being conscious enough of your inner monologue to redirect or stop self criticism and dwelling

Permission! Allowing yourself to let go, release, be imperfect, flawed.

Love – yourself, just as you are 😘

I think we’re fabulous, you and me! This just reminded me of a note my Mom had on her fridge for years:

“Get out there and take a dancing, joyous, kick at the day” ❤️🌻🌈

I quit my job!

Old patterns are hard to get rid of. For the past few months I’ve been working in a position that was fraught with politics and dysfunctional toxic behavior.

I’ve been sticking it out because we had expenses to manage and because although I’m working on a plan B, I don’t have all the pieces in place yet

One particularly stressful day I finally made it a priority to look at our household budget as opposed to trying to wrestle the problems of my current project into submission

Doing the math I realized that with the side gig I was working which is a corner stone of Plan B – I didn’t need to keep working at the job that had all issues the I’ve been trying to get away from.

It struck me as I felt this giant sense of relief once I decided to leave that without even realizing it up for the past several months I’ve been living in my old reality versus my new reality.

It just goes to show that the old saying wherever you go, there you are totally applies.

My stress behaviors of being short tempered and irritable, not paying attention to diet and exercise and talking in terms of being trapped or not having a choice have all been showing up.

I realized a couple of pretty cool learnings because I was thinking about all of this.

One – this time I realized in a couple of months that I had choices as opposed to a couple of years!

Two – the reason I had the choice to quit is because I have been actively focused for the past several years on building stability and flexibility into my life that left me room to make better choices for myself.

So … if you’re in a less than optimal situation, take a breath and evaluate.

Do you have options? If so, act on them. If not, start building the foundation to give yourself options. You can pave your own way 🌈💞🌻

Dwell on the good stuff…

 I am absolutely a dweller. It’s so easy at – least for me and I know from conversations with some of the people in my life – for a lot of us, to get caught up in remembering past mistakes and old hurts.

If we’re so good at remembering things then why don’t we challenge ourselves to dwell on prior triumphs and thoughtful gestures.

I was looking at a digital photo frame this evening that some dear friends gave me when I moved from the city where we all lived.

At first I found myself thinking a little bit critically about myself and some of the pictures because they’re of horseback riding and my form wasn’t perfect.

But then I found myself remembering the first horse show I went to and the love and support that my husband showed, taking special effort to share the memory of my recently passed father.

And that got me thinking about all the other really neat things he’s done for me and then that got me thinking about all the amazing people I’m lucky enough to know period.

Then of course my thoughts started going all over the place and I wondered how come it’s easier to bring those positive thoughts to mind than it used to be and how I can build that habit?

I guess it ties into the whole concept of remembering the things that we can be grateful for and there’s lots of people out there that recommend things like “every morning think of three things you’re grateful for” or “journal every night and think of things you’re grateful for”.

I’m not very good at establishing new daily habits, but I think I could train myself when replace negative dwelling by digging a little deeper and find a positive memory to replace whatever hurt or embarrassment is currently on my mind.

So while I’ll probably never stop being a dweller, I believe that we can learn to dwell on the good stuff! 💞🌻🌈

You don’t have to just keep juggling…

For me it’s a delicate balance between having enough things on the go that I am motivated and energetic and having so many things on the go that I am completely overwhelmed.

When it all collides I often get so busy trying to catch the falling pieces that I forget sometimes the best thing is to let them drop and go do some thing that refocuses me and re-centers me.

Writing this I’m reminded of a concept I came across that most of the balls we try to juggle in life are rubber and they will bounce but others are glass and it’s the glass balls we have to be the most careful with.

This led me to go do a little bit of Googling because I couldn’t remember which balls were glass and which were rubber.

From what I can find the original concept came from Brian Dyson (former CEO of Coca-Cola) during his 1991 Georgia Tech Institute commencement speech.

“In his speech, he asks the graduates to “imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some 5 balls in the air. You name them—work, family, health, friends, and spirit—and you’re keeping all of these in the air.” According to Dyson, each of these balls is made of glass—except for work, which is the sole rubber ball.” (This excerpt came from another blog).

I’d like to actually build on this concept a little bit because while I agree with the point of view that work is pretty much always rubber (we just forget that from time to time for all sorts of reasons) I’m not convinced the other four are as fragile as glass because that implies that if you drop one it is going to be irreparably damaged or broken – that’s not my experience.

What I’m realizing is as long as I generally consistently take care of these four areas there’s some built up elasticity that leaves room for mistakes or asking for space or support.

I’ve learned that if when I see the balls starting to drop I evaluate which ones are rubber I can let them drop, catch the ones that are glass and gently set them down, (this might be asking a spouse for help, a friend for a reschedule or a boss for an extension) then I can reevaluate the best sequence in which to start juggling again.

And actually if you think about it – when you watch a talented juggler that’s what they’ll do if things are starting to get out of control – they will drop/catch all the juggling objects and then restart.

Breathe, focus, and start again! So much less scary than the idea that if you drop one of the four it’s permanently shattered 🌻💞🌈

Thank you for the space…

As I navigate all the complexities of being me – and there are a lot (more than there need to be…) I find myself so grateful for the people who accept me as I am. I also find that I need to remind myself to give them space to be who they are.

I often talk about my relationship with my husband and of course that’s normal because we spent a lot of time together, but this actually crossed my mind the other day in relation to people I work with.

I was having a day where I wasn’t approaching life with the grace that I would like to approach it with, basically I was super cranky.

And later when I was in my “time out” a.k.a. post work glass of wine I found myself reflecting on how much I appreciate that everybody just went about their day and didn’t react to my irritability.

Where this comes back to my husband 😉 is he pretty consistently shows up to support me, and works to meet me in the middle.

This is important because it would be easy to not recognize this for what it is – a gift of space, a gift to be who we are. And that expands outside our closest relationships when I think about patterns in general.

We get into patterns with people; spouses, siblings, parents, co-workers…”you push this button, then I push that button, then you push this button…” And next thing you know there’s a huge argument over taking out the trash or you’re absolutely not going to Thanksgiving if your sister is going to be there or Bob never take accountability for anything.

So for me I am very appreciative for the times where people in my life give me the space to “have my moment”.

Thank you to my friends who don’t hang up on me when I get snippy, thank you to my coworkers for staying focused on the topic not the tone, and of course thank you to my husband for excepting all of me as I am.

Every time one of you cuts me some slack, it inspires me to do the same for somebody else! Let’s keep being kind to one another whenever we are able and moment after moment we can help create the world we want to see. 🌻💞🌈